My Self Imposed Cur-Flu
This week I was hoping to be able to report on Simon and Hellenes’ first full blown Fetish Night in Eastbourne (that’s Hellenes above in her dungeon, so I think you can see two good reasons why I wanted to go). But sadly I was unable to go as, statistically at least, I am suffering from swine flu. Actually I think all I have is a bit of a cold, but according to the National Pandemic website I am a toxic threat to the world who has to stay locked away for at least a week to prevent the spread of this fatal disease. And the cause of this local outbreak that threatens to destroy the very fabric of society? Sweet Sue.
Sweet Sue is a regular weekend drinker in The Fountain (my regular pub for new readers) and is what can best be described as an ‘affectionate drunk’. Happily married to a man so calm and unemotional he makes Stephen Hawking look overly exuberant (and way too smiley), she likes to spend the evening drinking lager and then cuddling her friends, of which I am about fifth in line. Sometimes it goes slightly further but I’m not complaining – it’s not exactly a chore, although the small price for a bit of bodily contact is a lengthy diatribe about her week at work. Last week however I noticed she was coughing a lot and she admitted to feeling a bit odd. I made a mental note to try and resist any physical temptation as I had a busy week ahead. Unfortunately that note got lost in the wash of several pints of Old Empire, so as well as sharing all her stories from her working week by Tuesday I was sharing her symptoms.
At that point I did feel rough – hot, sore throat, cough, knackered – but nothing that couldn’t be put down to a cold. However I made the mistake of going on the NHS website which in turn sent me to the National Panic-Inducing one I mentioned earlier. “Do you have a temperature? Sore throat? Blocked nose? Cough?” it demanded. “Yes,” I replied unable to qualify it with “but not a very bad one”. “You have swine flu,” it proclaimed. “Stay at home. Get a friend to go to the doctors and pick up Tamiflu tablets. Your code number is…. Tell them to bring identification etc etc.” It was like something from those Protect & Survive nuclear attack broadcasts of the 60s. I was a casualty in the Slight Cold War!
By Thursday I didn’t feel any worse and besides Sammy was booked to do a private session at the studio so I went there, did that (see above) and since the studio is near the chemists I also decided to pick up my Tamiflu in person (I didn’t need them but as you only get one dose, I thought it best to have them ready for later in the winter when I might).
“I’ve come to pick up my Tamiflu,” I said to the middle-aged lady behind the counter.
“You shouldn’t be out!” she admonished severely and scurried away so quickly I genuinely thought she had gone into hiding, and was now cowering in some germ-resistant bunker. But it turned out she was getting a form to fill in which I did. By now, the other customers in the shop were looking at me like a plague victim, so I waited outside. As I did, I saw the assistant wiping the pen I’d used and her counter with a wet wipe! Blimey! Everything I touch is toxic!
A few minutes later my Tamiflu were brought out to me (they clearly didn’t want me back in their shop) and I took them home. I haven’t used them. I still feel a bit crap but if this IS swine flu it is milder than most colds and a lot less debilitating than a migraine. If it isn’t, then can I cast doubt on the official statistics that the number of swine flu victims has ‘leapt’ from 3,000 to 5,000 this week. I bet a lot of those are like me. Mild cold sufferers who have no way of differentiating between the two on their website.
And yes I have been a bit public spirited. I am keeping out of the pub when it is crowded which meant missing Sarah’s birthday bash last night (boo) and the Fetish Night (double boo – one for each boob!). But I shall go in for the quiz on Sunday when there are only about 20 people around. Even if I am passing on fatal swine flu, a cull of pub trivia geeks would, quite frankly, be a public service!
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