Ten Good Reasons to Go to the Warrington Splunch
1) Warrington is a pleasant, unassuming town. Yes, it looks a bit forbidding when you arrive in the station – that’s the Unilever factory incidentally, but don’t go thinking it is a grim industrial place. Far from it. As the advertisement on the station proudly boasts Warrington is “the gateway to the historic gardens of Cheshire”. I like their modesty. What they are saying is basically, “Warrington – It’s quite near somewhere nicer!”
2) The Travelodge is convenient for both the railway and the venue. A bit too convenient for the former you might argue – this was the view from my hotel room window…
It is also very handy for the bus station. I was pleased to see that Warrington has its own fleet of ‘corporation buses’ rather than selling out to Arriva or Stagecoach like so many. These bear the logo “Warrington Borough Council – Making Warrington Move”. What – House? Their bowels?
3) Travelodges great for the health conscious! They are fine for one or two nights but a big step down from a Premier Inn. For a start they have absolutely no catering facilities or bar on the premises. So instead of gorging on the “All you can eat” £7 breakfast as I did in Bristol for their Splunch, in Warrington I had to make do with a tiny parcel dropped outside my door at 7am. Once opened this revealed a tea bag and paper cup, a small bottle of orange juice, a Nutragrain bar and a pot of cereal so small it came with a folding spoon! This cost an extortionate £4.50.
Don’t buy it! There’s a good cafe that does full English just down the road.
4) The Munch is held in the excellent Blue Bell pub in the pedestrian part of the town. Actually most of the town is pedestrianised cos Warrington has been “planned”. Cycle tracks and pedestrian crossings are everywhere which makes it very pleasant to walk around, but a nightmare to park in (I’m told). The pub is handily placed next to a ‘performing’ fountain however woe-betide any drinkers who venture
near it with a glass in their hand. A large mis-spelt and unpunctuated sign in the pub (neatly corrected by a customer in biro) warn that any customer “taking their drinks near the fountain will have them taken away”. I can’t imagine what might have happened in the past can you? Closet sploshers are everywhere.
5) Warrington is a town that has its priorities right. Ten yards from the pub is a massive double fronted shoe shop called Funky Dory selling fetishy high heels and seemingly thriving. Two doors along there is a Starbucks that has closed down! Thank God Hayley wasn’t with me, we would never have got past the window display without melting her plastic.
6) The atmosphere at the Warrington Splunch is very relaxed and casual. Claymore Wam and Muckypup who are the veteran organisers of it (no implication about age there, chaps) are nonetheless quite new to the world of munches so almost as nervous as you probably will be. Nonetheless Claymore is not short of things to say…he is an expert on just about everything from British comedy to postcodes, not to mention TV testcards (I said, not to mention TV testcards!). So don’t worry about being nerdy. You’ll feel right at home!
Not that everyone there was a pub trivia fan. Muckypup is refreshingly down to earth (and handy for derailing conversation that get too orientated towards steam trains) and there were other guests to keep everyone entertained. Carmen Fantastic, a beautiful brunette submissive from Liverpool and her partner Gentleman Bastard (who was much more the former than the latter) have been performing in their local fetish club for some time and clearly love sploshing. Rhoobarb’s whose custard-covered boobs have graced the forum many times came all the way from Scotland and it was good to see them in the flesh along with her man. Then there was Ghostrider from Newcastle who seemed emminently sensible for a man with a lot of Guinness inside him. All very, very pleasant people to talk to, so you really should come along. I think they have all forgiven me for talking too much.
7) Don’t worry if you’re shy – everyone is! Because a lot of Splunches now have photos of many of the people there it is easy to get the idea that everyone is now totally ‘out’ about their love of sploshing and wants to share it with the world. Not so. When I suggested a group picture in Warrington, adding that anyone who didn’t want to be in it should move out of the way, all but two people moved! As I result, I settled for this shot instead!
There’s a lot of self-congratulation and back slapping by munching members and organisers these days and new people might get the impression that if they attend an event they will find themselves exposed. Nothing is further from the truth. Claymore Wam won’t appear in pictures and he organises it! So don’t let that stop you! 
The locals are friendly. Everyone I met in Warrington was very easy going and I hardly felt like a namby-pamby southern poof at all. The night receptionist didn’t take the piss when I came in slightly drunk, and the girl on during the day gave me a fascinating description into her day trip to Wembley to see JLS, Alexandra Burke and other X Factoristas perform for the Girl Guides. The waiter at Mojos restaurant even forgave our rubbish attempt at ordering Tapas which resulted in several different plates of meatballs and not much else. He hardly giggled at all.
9) Virgin Trains aren’t THAT bad. My journey back by tilting Pendolino train was not only non-stop from Warrington all the way to Euston but arrived 10 minutes early. “We apologise for the inconvenience caused..” said the announcer but I think he was taking the piss. Over 175 miles in 1hr 45mins – that’s an average of over 100mph. And no the tilting mechanism doesn’t make you feel sick. Actually watching the scenery suddenly tilting towards you is almost exactly like being pissed.
10) It makes you want to do it all again NOW! So many things I meant to say, even more I meant not to say. Too much talk about the Two Ronnies, not enough asking about what people wanted from us. I wish I could go back and do it again. Unfortunately the next one isn’t until April 17th. Surely somebody can organise another meet in the north of England before then. I hope so.
