Splosh! Gooey News

I am sorry if this entry seems a bit egotistical (Who? Meeeeeeeeeeee?) but over on the Forum somebody asked for a rough timeline of my life in porn etc, so here it is.... Don't worry, normal service (pictures of messy tits and mildly amusing anecdotes) will resume shortly, and it put off doing the tax return for another hour. So here goes...

1974-1977: At college in Birmingham doing a degree in what would now be called Media Studies. Wanted to be a proper broadcaster! Was said to be good at radio and even TV presenting - despite looking rubbish. Still a reasonable talker as the poor bastards who have had to interview know only too well!

1978: Fuck all. Was on the dole in Aston, Handsworth and Harborne waiting for big offer from the BBC (was applying for loads of jobs there). Not a bloody sausage.

1979: Started freelancing for local magazines including a day spent as a professional clown at Wolverhampton Fiesta (as dull as it sounds) with Ben Lester - a wonderfully cynical ex-circus man. Started local news and features magazine for Henley-in-Arden called Henley Digest with a crook called Eric Beaman who ran off with all the money. Wrote reviews for local Whats On magazines. Did voice-over work for BRMB and Beacon Radio. Lived on packet soup.

1981 - 1990: Got job at last! Chief Sub Editor at Mayfair magazine (I applied for that and Feature Writer for HiFi News - convinced I had no hope at Mayfair and was a shoe-in on the latter. How different things might have been!). Moved to London. Three months later they tried to sack me cos I was a rubbish sub. However I was by far their best writer so they kept me on doing that. After many years, rose to giddy heights of Assistant Editor. Had to run the magazine cos the Editor was always out on the piss. There are numerous stories of in-jokes and gags we used to put in the mag at that time, but they may have to wait until the ex-Editor dies!

1984: Started freelancing for other magazines and television. Wrote for loads of magazines and most of the soft porn titles under numerous different names. Had regular monthly features in Penthouse and Club whilst still member of staff for Mayfair. Also wrote humour for Fiesta etc. Produced one-shot magazines for Dennis Publishing on Page Three girls which became a monthly magazine called Daily Girls. These featured photo stories not unlike the ones in Splosh! though without the mess. Also wrote for respectable magazine like Saga - I was their Nostalgia Expert at 28! Wrote sketches for TV (including the Two Ronnies stuff) and material for radio presenters, local and national. Wrote a show for and appeared in pub cabaret which played in unsuitable pubs and clubs in London before 'alternative comedy' kicked off. Did bad David Bellamy impressions amongst other things. Compiled Lie Back & Think of Britain rubbish joke book available in Ann Summers even now. Never went out. Just worked. Had no life at all, but some money at last...

1989: Started Splosh! when Daily Girls was axed (Dennis made more money out of zines about Kylie) but saw it had a small but loyal readership who liked it sexy but not porno. Thought something funny like that would be fun to do and had the money to give it a go. Interviewed guys at Viz who told me how they started. Nicked their ideas. Had seen Wet Shots stuff and liked it, thought this could be the perfect subject - sexy, funny and an excuse to take the piss out of porn and fetish whilst still being sexy and kinky (Viz style). Was helped by a big haired blonde advertising assistant called Hayley who was leaving Mayfair to have a baby.

1990: Left Mayfair and went full-time freelance. Did shifts for Mayfair and Paul Raymond where initially I was drafted in to write the funny front pages for Club International (I had been writing Nathaniel Fatbastard - a restaurant review piss-take and other characters for years). The staff then realised I had all the fun whist they did the dull stuff, so I got given the dull stuff instead (writing girl copy and so on). Started working for Razzle where I wrote most of the copy, came up with ideas for romps and photo sets and 'played' such erudite columnists as Bendy Wendy, Cock-Thirsty Kirsty and Dr Deforest Hill (the struck off sex therapist). Still writing for other mags as well including much more pompous funnies for Mayfair!

1991 Mayfair sold to Paul Raymond! Initially I was going to run it but they didn't like my ideas as they were too "old Mayfair" (they wanted to sex it up). So I carried on doing Razzle and so on cos nobody else liked it (no kudos in writing messy filth, they reckoned! Oh no?).

Produced my first WAM video, Pretty Clumsy Woman (though I had written sketches and linking material for WSM before that - even appearing occasionally). Wanted mine to be cheap and fun rather than 40 quid like the other titles were at the time. Thought it would sell about 200 copies. Went on to produce the other early Buff titles in a similar form. They later made into High St shops like HMV and sold very well for specialist titles.

1992: Moved to St Leonards cos we needed more space. Hayley now a bit more than a colleague! Promptly fell ill and wound up in hospital with blood poisoning after a stomach abscess leaked and nearly killed me. Still working too hard but slowly coming to my senses...

1996: Sacked by Paul Raymond! They made some excuse as to why but really it was cos I was too expensive and they wanted everything cheap now, and not worried about funny any more. So fuck them! Watched all of Euro 96 then devoted most of my time to Splosh! and slowly became less stressed and had more fun.

1996 - Present: Still write for other magazines occasionally. Do bits for radio (including writing a DAILY topical three minute funny for Radio 2) for 18 months. Package items for telly - mainly about Splosh!. Get interviewed about Splosh! occasionally. Went through phase when we were on satellite TV every couple of weeks! (another looonnng story). Took over Gilly's Silly House in 2003 when original owner ran out of ideas and quit. Been shooting something for them every week since. Hayley (kids now grown up) went back to work and inherited a house from her parents so lived there. We decided to see each other "only when it was fun" rather than have a full time relationship which sort of works. Splosh! forum set up in March 2006 and been quite successful as a fun place to chat with likeminded sploshers. It is the first stage of turning the website into something with the same fun atmosphere as the magazine with downloads and DVDs instead of photo-features.

Still working a lot, thanks largely to GSH, and desperate for more time to spend on Splosh! Now have no money!

Posted by Bill at 04:09 PM | Permalink

It was good to work with Gilly again after the Christmas break (ably filled by Sammy-Jane and Dolly). And this time we both got down and dirty!

Like me, Gilly had had a quiet family Christmas with her boyfriend and her daughter, so she was only to keen to get back to being saucy with lots of shaving foam. Apart from an interesting moment when she overheard one of her daughter's schoolfriends (who'd had at least one glass of wine) say, "Your Mum has amazing bosoms!", nothing exciting (by Gilly's standards had happened so she was well up for it.

As a result, I decided we might try something a bit different for the second half of our film, Hot! Hot! Hot! (which will be up at www.gillysillyhouse.com this weekend assuming I get down to editing it!). Instead of the usual camera 'out of harm's way' off set, I decided to join her on the floor for some close-ups to create feeling you are rolling around with her in the mess. And the only way to achieve that - is to roll around in the mess with her!

So what you see is exactly what happened - we really were in that close - as she pied herself, rubbed her "amazing bosoms" and generally frigged herself silly. It was very horny to film and the result is just as horny to watch.

The hardest part (no obvious jokes please!) was trying to pie her and hold the camera at the same time! That is a bit wobbly, but you really do get the feeling you are pieing Gilly yourself cos that's exactly how we did it.

Furthermore, Gilly enjoyed having somebody that close to play along with, so we will definitely be doing it again - so long as my heart can stand it!

You can roll around with Gill too by joining the Silly House. It's only 12 GBP a month and there are some amazing horny films available to download...take a look.

Posted by Bill at 11:57 AM | Permalink

Absolutely loved this picture from the BBC iPlayer site last week featuring gay and somewhat feminist comedienne Sandi Toksvig reading our magazine.

Sandi was a guest on the same Graham Norton Show where Gilly and a bunch of her girlfriends demonstrated sploshing on the programme last year. And although she seems somewhat disgusted by the contents of our fine magazine, she actually took it all with good grace, though I can't see her rushing to take part!

The item which featured Gilly and the gang covering each other in custard, cake sitting and filling each other's knickers ran on and off throughout the original show and proved so popular, an edited version made it onto the Best of Graham Norton compilation shown last week (hence the listing on iPlayer).

Other guests on our show included rock singer Alice Cooper, a bit of an icon for me in my teenage days, and I am delghted to say I now have his autograph. He seemed somewhat more amused by sploshing than Ms Toksvig.

And although he may not remember it, this is not the first time Graham Norton has encountered our magazine. Many years ago before he was a Five Million Pound Celebrity, he hosted a late night show on ITV called Carnal Knowledge where couples were quizzed on what they knew abut sex. One round featured was a sort of "What's My Line" with a mystery guest miming his occupation and the couples having to guess what they did for a living. Well, one week it was me! I duly mimed making up custard pies and let them try and guess my bizarre job but nobody got close. I was then allowed to plug the magazine weith Graham for three minutes during which time he moaned about the cover price but held the magazine up to the camera so I didn't complain.

Less enjoyable was the run up to the show. As I was a 'mystery guest', I wasn't allowed to join all the others in 'hospitality'. Instead I was locked in a small room the size of a cupboard and given a crate of Becks to work my way through! Since the show ran rather late, the Becks ran out before I did, but I was certainly 'chatty'. In fact I remember them telling me off for not giving yes and no answers to the cntestant' questions but full sentences - and more!

Carnal Knowledge still gets shown occasionally on Challenge TV and the like, and as well as launching Graham Norton ( a dubious merit), it also put me back in touch with an old school girlfriend who I hadn't seen for 20 odd years. She saw the show and e-mailed me with the line, "Congratulations on the magazine - shame about the baldness. Do get in touch." We have been ever since and not only has she had a messy session in the studio, but now has a framed copy of Splosh! No 35 in her bathroom!

You see, sploshers are everywhere...

Posted by Bill at 11:15 AM | Permalink

One of the great models who visited the studios just before Christmas was the fabulous Hydee.

She looks wide awake here sploshing Gilly in her role as Fairy Blogmother in the half-hour film Gillyrella available at the Silly House now (www.gillysillyhouse.com) but that wasn't so true an hour before this picture was taken!

When Gilly arrived at Hydee's house to pick her up and take her to the studio, the versatile model (who is a trained dancer, stilt walker and plumber!) was still in bed. So, did she rush to get ready for the drive to St Leonards? Did she hell! She turned up in her pyjamas! It took a couple of big mugs of coffee before she changed out of her PJs and into the mad character in Gillyrella but once she was awake she was brilliant.

We had completely forgotten that this was Hydee's first experience of being covered in anything other than shaving foam - and during the film she gets deluged in several buckets of bright coloured sponge mix. How did she find it?

She loved it!

"I loved the cake mix!" she enthused. "It tastes lovely. Much nicer than shaving foam!"

Well, now we know, Hydee, there'll be plenty more to come! If you can keep awake long enough!

Posted by Bill at 03:23 PM | Permalink

Just before Christmas an article I wrote for Bizarre magazine (yes, them again) appeared. They asked me to nominate the 10 best foods for sploshing with. Unfortunately, magazine space meant they only published five of them. Well, we're here to rectify that!

Following one or two requests on the the Forum, here is the complete article. Hope you like it. Apologies for the occasional bit of bad language but it's what these magazines expect!

Top Ten Foods for Sploshing

by Bill Shipton of www.splosh.co.uk
the world's leading messy sex site!

1) Custard: The first rule of seductive sploshing is "sweet not savoury", and with its creamy consistency, custard is the ideal love lube. Ready-made Ambrosia (about £1.40 a litre) is the Top of the Slops, afterall you don't want to be boiling milk with a hard-on...

2) Cream: The spray stuff is perfect for sensuous splosh-lite activity. Ideal decoration for nipples and nobs, just don't turn your cock into an organic Everest and expect your partner to go down in one. She's more likely to chuck than swallow. Anchor do a good one (know as Wanchor in the trade cos so many stag girls use it for hand jobs!)

3) Chocolate: Good in all its forms. Gooey newbies should stick to the syrup like Treat (99p in supermarkets) whilst chocoholics should opt for big bags of chocolate sponge mix (from Cash & Carries). Made with warm water, it's liquid chocolate cake and about £7 a bucketful - more than enough to cover two!

4) Porridge: Most women like to start the day with something hot inside them - or, in this case, outside them. The grey gruel may not look sexy but well mixed, warm and lump-free, it has set many a non-Scot sighing. And it's an excellent exfoliant! Novice sploshers might like to start with Reddy Brek - it's smoother and saucepan-free.

5) Eggs: Get your guy hard in three minutes by sliding around in slippery raw egg. Just keep those shells away from your tender bits - they are sharper than shattered glass.

6) Jam/pie filling/peanut butter: I do love things that spread easily - like legs. Just pick a favourite flavour and butter your partner up like a butty. Beware of some blackcurrant ones. They contain blue food dye, so your next sticky moment could be waking up next to a Smurf.

7) Syrup/fruit sauce/treacle: The syrups in the supermarket (strawberry, raspberry, toffee etc) are excellent splosh starter packs. Move on to the maple or big tins of golden syrup next, then when you are really brave invest in a gallon drum of black treacle. It's like liquid rubber completely enclosing the body in thick black stickiness. To misquote the Marks ad, this isn't just food - it's S&M food!

8) Baked beans/spaghetti: Beloved by closet sploshers on charity days, beans are more funny than fruity, and most women can't stand the smell. Understandable. Would you want to wake up whiffing like greasy spoon leftovers?

9) Rice pudding/semolina: Those whose memories of school meals go back before turkey twizzlers have a nostalgic fondness for a milky pud. Bizarrely, warmed up in the confines of her kecks (or yours), they feel a lot better than they taste.

10) Pies/cream cakes/gateaux: Whether for sitting in or flinging in the face, these are a splosh staple! Make your own missiles from sponge flan cases and custard (or Angel Delight) for a fuck-friendly food fight, or defrost a big Black Forest, strip off and slowly sit in it as a prelude to a long night licking and sucking. Now that's what I call afters...

The runners up: When I asked the members of the Splosh! Forum at www.splosh.co.uk to nominate their favourites, they came up with 54 different ones in a day! Amongst the also rans were...vegetable soup, mushy peas, marshmallow fluff, fish paste, macaroni cheese, and mashed potato and gravy (combined). Yum!

Posted by Bill at 04:11 PM | Permalink

Hi again. Sorry, I've been away so long but I've been on the forum instead. Now my ego has decided to restart the blog not only so I can go on at greater length but also to share some of the sillier stories etc about Splosh! and the sploshers. More like a real blog then! So back to work then, and I really will try and keep it up this time.

Posted by Bill at 04:00 PM | Permalink