Top Ten Sploshing Foods
Just before Christmas an article I wrote for Bizarre magazine (yes, them again) appeared. They asked me to nominate the 10 best foods for sploshing with. Unfortunately, magazine space meant they only published five of them. Well, we're here to rectify that!
Following one or two requests on the the Forum, here is the complete article. Hope you like it. Apologies for the occasional bit of bad language but it's what these magazines expect!
Top Ten Foods for Sploshing
by Bill Shipton of www.splosh.co.uk
the world's leading messy sex site!
1) Custard: The first rule of seductive sploshing is "sweet not savoury", and with its creamy consistency, custard is the ideal love lube. Ready-made Ambrosia (about £1.40 a litre) is the Top of the Slops, afterall you don't want to be boiling milk with a hard-on...
2) Cream: The spray stuff is perfect for sensuous splosh-lite activity. Ideal decoration for nipples and nobs, just don't turn your cock into an organic Everest and expect your partner to go down in one. She's more likely to chuck than swallow. Anchor do a good one (know as Wanchor in the trade cos so many stag girls use it for hand jobs!)
3) Chocolate: Good in all its forms. Gooey newbies should stick to the syrup like Treat (99p in supermarkets) whilst chocoholics should opt for big bags of chocolate sponge mix (from Cash & Carries). Made with warm water, it's liquid chocolate cake and about £7 a bucketful - more than enough to cover two!
4) Porridge: Most women like to start the day with something hot inside them - or, in this case, outside them. The grey gruel may not look sexy but well mixed, warm and lump-free, it has set many a non-Scot sighing. And it's an excellent exfoliant! Novice sploshers might like to start with Reddy Brek - it's smoother and saucepan-free.
5) Eggs: Get your guy hard in three minutes by sliding around in slippery raw egg. Just keep those shells away from your tender bits - they are sharper than shattered glass.
6) Jam/pie filling/peanut butter: I do love things that spread easily - like legs. Just pick a favourite flavour and butter your partner up like a butty. Beware of some blackcurrant ones. They contain blue food dye, so your next sticky moment could be waking up next to a Smurf.
7) Syrup/fruit sauce/treacle: The syrups in the supermarket (strawberry, raspberry, toffee etc) are excellent splosh starter packs. Move on to the maple or big tins of golden syrup next, then when you are really brave invest in a gallon drum of black treacle. It's like liquid rubber completely enclosing the body in thick black stickiness. To misquote the Marks ad, this isn't just food - it's S&M food!
8) Baked beans/spaghetti: Beloved by closet sploshers on charity days, beans are more funny than fruity, and most women can't stand the smell. Understandable. Would you want to wake up whiffing like greasy spoon leftovers?
9) Rice pudding/semolina: Those whose memories of school meals go back before turkey twizzlers have a nostalgic fondness for a milky pud. Bizarrely, warmed up in the confines of her kecks (or yours), they feel a lot better than they taste.
10) Pies/cream cakes/gateaux: Whether for sitting in or flinging in the face, these are a splosh staple! Make your own missiles from sponge flan cases and custard (or Angel Delight) for a fuck-friendly food fight, or defrost a big Black Forest, strip off and slowly sit in it as a prelude to a long night licking and sucking. Now that's what I call afters...
The runners up: When I asked the members of the Splosh! Forum at www.splosh.co.uk to nominate their favourites, they came up with 54 different ones in a day! Amongst the also rans were...vegetable soup, mushy peas, marshmallow fluff, fish paste, macaroni cheese, and mashed potato and gravy (combined). Yum!