If you have a rubber, PVC or nylon garment you’d like use to soak or mess up in a movie simply drop us a line at bill@splosh.co.uk and we’ll give it a go!

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Don't volunteer unless you are prepared to get messy!

With all the talk from the Secret Diary screening of how to make sploshing part of your sex life, how refreshing to see a live show that demonstrates slapstick doing what it does best – being funny!  And yes, it is messy – and yes there are women on the receiving end, and if the audience in Hastings was anything to go by, it could do as much to make your partner want to take part as any drama on ITV2. Circus Hilarious is simply that – hilarious, and if you don’t believe me, ask my clown-hating mate Jenny who loved every minute!

Circus Hilarious is the wet-and-messy brainchild of former Tiswas regular Clive Webb and stars him and his son, Danny, with a cast of clowns, musicians and female dancers (who, I’m delighted to say, join in the slapstick). The show is an incredible mixture of comedy, magic (yes proper big illusions), circus acts, music and dance (thankfully very little) all set on stage in a comfy theatre rather than forcing its audience to endure the hard drafty benches of the big top. And frankly it works very well. Where else can you see classic slapstick routines alongside inflatable Elvis impressions, ball-balancing, an brilliant Titanic piss-take, plenty of Carry-On-style jokes and messy audience involvement that leaves even those not on stage rather damper than when they went in!

The idea is 15-years-old now but thankfully shows no sign of growing up! The two stars are Clive and Danny – Clive as the ringmaster/straightman/magician and Danny the clown (with 100 other circus skills) who tread a clever tightrope  between adult and children’s humour that leaves them loved by both (just watch the Mums swoon over Danny who, beneath the thankfully minimal make-up, is very good looking and buff as fuck!). So expect plenty of innuendo, fart and poo jokes for the kids, knob gags for the grown-ups, and slapstick, oh yes, plenty of slapstick!

Where else can you dress as a Teletubby and get pied and electrocuted?

Welcome back to the wonderful world of political incorrectness where dancers with short skirts are likely to get foam squirted down their cleavage or sprayed up their short skirts. Where the audience is invited on stage to be given electric shocks from their stools and then pied – whilst dressed as teletubbies! Where pianos explode, old men fart from fake bare bums, and our inflatable Elvis (Danny again) falls off stage, can’t get up in his costume so runs off into the audience in his underpants. It’s as close as you’ll get to Tiswas live – but with all the skill of the circus. This IS what they want. And a Hastings audience on a wet, windy Tuesday afternoon in February loved every minute!

Clive & Danny do one of the messiest decorating scenes ever

I first saw Circus Hilarious with Hayley a few years ago also at the White Rock Theatre in Hastings. The cast was smaller then but, boy, was it memorable. The pretty female singer was pied within the first minute and the first half closed with the messiest decorating scene I’ve ever witnessed. Slosh and water wasn’t just poured it was thrown around the stage (and over the audience!) leaving almost everyone and everything splattered. One woman’s day was made when Danny ran into the audience to give her a messy hug – and Hayley sulked cos it wasn’t her!

"It should have been me!" Hayley sulked when an audience member got hugged.

The current show isn’t quite as messy as this but it is slicker and funnier. The audience still gets involved whether they want to or not! You can volunteer for the teletubby routine where everyone who takes part gets a pie  - and the female volunteer gets six! Or you can stay in your seat and find yourself being squirted with super soakers and drenched (well dampened) by buckets of water thrown from the stage.

Being a singer with Circus Hilarious requires tolerance...

But perhaps the best mess in the current run is reserved for the female singer in the Titanic routine. In a short, low-cut dress, the pretty blonde gamely sings that Celine Dion theme from the film whilst being first attacked with a snow blower full of tissue,

...a fondness for water...

then squirted in the face, boobs and up the skirt with a Supersoaker and then getting the same treatment  with spray foam bringing back memories of that famous Freddie Starr sketch in the 70s.

...and the ability to sing whilst sprayed with foam.

As if that isn’t indignity enough, she is then treated to a blast of compressed air right between the legs! Not only did the game girl in our show keep singing despite her sploshing she even found time to fix the radio mike at the same time! Now, that’s a trooper!

Celine Dion never had this problem!

You can also enjoy other classic slapstick/knockabout sketches as Norman Wisdom’s “Learning the Drums” routine, Charlie Drake’s plate factory sketch (recently revived by Cannon & Ball but done better here) and a surreal boxing skit that was probably the only bit in my first visit that didn’t quite work. With pantos cutting back on slapstick, where else can you see brilliantly crafted routines like that these days? We should do everything we can to keep them alive.

So get off your arse (and the internet) and go! Circus Hilarious’s dates for this year include..

27th Feb: Bedworth Civic Hall

28thFeb: Grand Theatre, Lancaster

21st Mar: Theatre Royal, St Helens

27th Mar The Muni, Colne

29th Mar: Solway Civic Theatre, Whitehaven

2nd Apr-7th Apr  Hippodrome,  Gt Yarmouth

8th Apr: Woodville Hals, Gravesend

9th Apr: Broadway Theatre, Catford

24th Apr:  Theatre Royal, Newcastle

2nd & 3rd May: Pavillion Theatre, Worthing

And occasionally they do an even bigger, messier version of their act in circuses, clips from which can be seen in their two DVDs on sale at their gigs (and with no theatre upholstery to worry about, the audience really do cop it there!).

Hat's entertainment!

Sorry if this review has gone on a bit, but shows like this deserve all the publicity they can get. Your kids will love it and so will you. Jenny has become such a fan she quotes the jokes and catchphrases all the time and has joined their Facebook site (despite being sung to by Clive and insulted – “Hey, you picked an ugly one!” – by Danny) – and Hayley would run away on tour with them if she could! And we are not alone. On their website (www.circushilarious.co.uk) there is a guest book where audience members can leave comments on the show. One is from a 21-year-old couple who saw the show (and loved it) at the Grand in Wolverhampton on the Sunday before the show came to Hastings.  It was their Valentine’s Day present to each other!

For sharing a love of slapstick with your partner, Billie Piper’s scene will have to go a long way to beat that!

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Pied Piper! Billie about to get it in the face

As you may well have noticed with posts on our forum and UMD plus several appearances by the lady herself on chat shows, Billie Piper is about to get sploshed in her ITV 2 series Secret Diary of a Call Girl. As we have recounted earlier, we had a lot of say in this scene pointing out just how sploshing works (no little dabs of cream, big pies, knicker filling, cake sitting etc) and we look forward to seeing how many make it into the show…

Pantie-monium. Her 'client' knows want he wants

We know from the trailer there is a half decent pie thrown in Billie’s face and the stills show some evidence of a big bowl of beans going down her all-too-tiny panties, so it seems promising. In her chat appearances including Friday Night with Jonathan Ross and This Morning (with one-time Saturday morning messy goddess Holly Willoughby) Billie has being saying what a fun time she had doing the scene and the real Belle de Jour (the call girl in the title) has said she has indulged herself  sploshing ‘recreationally’. So one way or another our favourite subject is getting quite a bit of welcome publicity.

Golden Heinz. Billie about to feel full of beans

One bit of publicity we are not so sure is welcome is Billie’s insistance that sploshing is all based in Hastings (it’s a bit bigger than that!). We look forward to hearing from the council on that! Perhaps they will change the signs from Hastings 1066 Country to Hastings Splosh! Country though I doubt it. I was also amused that on Jonathan Ross she claimed to have attended a Splosh! convention in Hastings to find out more about it. As regular readers here know, actually we went to a meeting in a very sober office in London with the writers and producers. They (and certainly not Billie) didn’t come down here to join in sadly.

It does mean that I can boast something I would never have imagined – that Billie Piper has lied about meeting me! Had it been the other way round, I doubt anyone would be surprised at all!

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First, I had to make up the pies. Since several people have asked, I used Erasmic shaving cream dyed yellow with food colouring for the main part of the pie. The best way to do this is empty about three cans in a big bucket, add the dye and whisk it till it’s an even colour. Then I plated them up (as those chefs on telly say) and decorated with cheap white shaving foam. The Erasmic is so thick it is as good as real whipped cream and the white foam made them look delicious!
Next I slipped into my outfit. I saw it on Ebay a few weeks back and liked it because it was a lot fuller than many cheap maid’s dresses with more decoration. I am not really a girly girl when it comes to clothing (frills and lingerie aren’t really me) but if I was going to do that, I wanted to do it properly. And once I’d got the stockings and suspenders on I admit I was beginning to really feel the part. I even started walking in that french ‘ooh la la’ floozy way! What’s more, I automatically started slipping into Clown Julie-style facial expressions! It must be something to do with the frills tickling my fanny!

As has become by custom on these sets, I took the photos myself The camera was set up on a tripod with some pictures to be shot on the timer, others in a sequence. The pies looked so good I couldn’t wait to get on with it, and although I managed a few pre-mess shots (which worked unlike the gunge set) I really just wanted to feel those pies in my face. So no surprise then that after a trial single pie (to check the camera was working) my first real shot was a nice deep pie sandwich right in the kisser!

This felt fantastic (it is one of my favourite moves). The only disappointment was having to wipe it off my face so I could see to set the camera up for the next sequence. Fortunately there were plenty more pies to come!!

As well as the dozen or so pies I had made, I had also bought several litres of ready-made custard. I was determined to make this set a bit classier than some of Bill’s (did you notice the tablecloth?) so was keen to put the custard (warmed in the airing cupboard overnight) into a jug. Unfortunately, I discovered that the biggest jug I had in the house was a tiny Pyrex one!! This was a bit of a pain as I had to keep filling it up (it took two jugs to fill my cleavage alone – hehe no pun intended!). But the warm custard felt so nice it was worth the effort. In fact, by the end I’d poured custard down my cleavage, in my knicks (front and back) even inside my stockings! I can still remember how good it was!

By the end I was (as usual!) on the floor plastering myself with everything I had left. Several full face pies, more custard, an ill-conceived attempt at pouring custard over my head and pieing myself simultaneously (not possible, so edited out!). I love this bit. I can be as silly as I want and stop being the well behaved, smart PA I have to be during the week.

The only snag is trying to concentrate on photos when my pussy is aching for my fingers to push its buttons rather than the cameras. Fanny or Fuji? Tough call… As a result I was disappointed at how many of the shots came out blurred (especially my attempts at body close-ups) so they have been left out of even the full set. Even so I managed 90 good ones, and much more importantly had a fantastic time!

I hope you like them. Being impatient I put one or two photos up on my Fetlife page and a couple of members have been very nice about them. I think some of BDSM crowd think I’m mad and sometimes doing these solo sets seems odd even to me. But I love the spontaneity of them, doing what I want when I want without somebody directing me. I hope the $5 charge for the last two sets in full doesn’t make me appear ‘professional’ cos I’m so not and never want to be. Any money (and I am not expecting much as you can see many of the shots free at The Free House) will be ring-fenced, as politicians say, to go toward costumes and gunge! I don’t want to make a profit, I just want my sets to get bigger, better and messier without having to sell my house!!! And there will always be a free version of anything I do available as well on Channel Free.
You see, now I’ve started getting messy again I want to carry on for ever!

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Things did not start well! First of all the white nurse’s uniform I ordered from Ebay claiming to be a size 12 turned out to be more like a large 14 so slipping into it I was disappointed that it wasn’t a bit tighter round the waist and boobs. Now I like ‘full’ clothes for getting messy in (can’t be doing with skimpy outfits, I like the feel of wet, heavy fabric against my skin) but even so I felt this looked a bit baggy. But if nothing else it was a realistic uniform not the Ann Summers variety, though the stockings are strictly non-NHS.
So I did the best I could with it, tightened the belt round my waist and went into the garden to put my dustsheet down. Oh No! Disappointment No 2. My neighbour who is about 105 and a total recluse had suddenly decided to hold a garden party! The old sod never sees a soul – now there were about 20 people next door eating and drinking (if you’ve seen my wet pictures on the Free House you will have seen his knackered umbrella poking above the fence – well today it was open for the first time this century!). As soon as they saw me they smiled and waved, and I think I heard someone say to my neighbour how handy it must be having a nurse live next door. I was tempted to give them a flash of my stocking tops but they were all quite old – I didn’t want to cause any fatalities.
So, now, despite a lovely warm sunny day, I was going to have to do my three gallon gunging indoors! This presented two problems. Firstly where? and secondly would the camera be able to do what I wanted in flash? The first problem was easily sorted. My son has left home now and his spare room is waiting to be redecorated, so I lay my dustsheet down there. The second looked more complicated. I am no camerawoman and it took a while to find out how to take a sequence of pics on timer with flash. I thought I’d set it up right but apparently not. The clean photos were all too rubbish to use. I also discovered that you have to stay a lot stiller for flash pics for some reason. As a result, sorry no pristine uniform pics!

I opted for my bucket of pink slime first! I’d made all the gunge the night before after buying that off Ebay as well (simply look under ‘gunge’ and several people sell it, in some cases ready coloured). You mix it with about four litres of warm water, adding the water slowly and stirring a lot. And I mean a lot. I am glad I hadn’t done it that morning, it was quite tiring. I then left it in the airing cupboard next to my knickers to get warm and for the bubbles to subside so it was nice and smooth.

Even in the unsexy surroundings of my spare bedroom, worrying about the camera, I was getting butterflies in the tummy – that lovely feeling you have when you are about to be naughty. I lifted the bucket and started pouring…mmmmmm! The gunge was great. Blood temperature and thick it flattened my hair and fell over my face. I poured some more. Oooooh now it was running down my dress and without thinking I undid it to allow the slime to slip inside to my – oh! – bra! Damn! I’d forgotten to take it off, and it was a good one too! However, it didn’t prevent my nipples from realising what was going on and responding accordingly – naughty things!

Being translucent, the pink slime meant I could reset the camera without wiping my eyes, but my next colour would be more of a problem! For some reason, the blue slime – this was more of a gunge than a slime – had mixed rather more thickly. So as I went back and poured the first big dollop everything disappeared from view! Suddenly I had no idea where the camera was or when it would flash which made the photography bloody difficult!


The good news was that it felt FANTASTIC. I love that heavy feeling in my hair and over my face so I was beginning to get seriously worked up! I poured more and more, forgetting about the camera completely, rubbing it inside my uniform till my bra was soaked and my boobs superbly slimy. I think you can tell I was beginning to have some real fun now. It’s a good job there’s no sound on this blog – you might be shocked!!

It’ was then the next problem arose… One of the reasons gunge feels good is because it is so slippery. Unfortunate this then makes the floor slippery, especially in stockings and with my hands now slimed up from fondling my messy tits, getting to the camera and setting it up again made me look like Bambi on the ice. So from now on, I decided it was time to do everything on the floor – which had the added advantage of giving my stockings a lovely gooey going-over as well!

It was now the time I was looking forward to most. I love black mess – treacle, oil, you name it and the black gunge (far too heavy to be called slime) had mixed beautifully to a gorgeous glossy mass. Sod the photos – this was going over my head non-stop however shit the pictures!

And that’s exactly what I did!


Wooooooooo! It felt wonderful. My whole head was engulfed in thick black mess. I couldn’t see, could hardly hear or even breathe. It ran down every inch of me and my pussy responded at once. Suddenly I was warm and moist inside and outside my undies. The dress was heavy with three gallons of gloop and hugging my body like a wet bear I just wanted to roll around and frig myself silly, or get the dildo out and fuck myself into a stupour. The only problem was I had no idea where I’d put them and I couldn’t see a thing! Damn, perhaps a man is useful afterall. So instead, after sliding my hand inside the warm, wet confines of my knickers for a little play, I staggered of to find the camera!

Sadly I had to wipe my eyes to set up again but I still had some of the blue gunge left, so I decided it was time to let go and have some fun. I had mastered the camera on auto now, the uniform was feeling warm and wet against my body, so go for it, gal!



I poured the blue goo right over my head and that was enough. Giggling like a cross between a silly little girl and a muck-and-fuck-loving whore (which is exactly what I am!), I rubbed slime into every bit of my body, the slime-sodden clothes held me tight like the arms of of a big messy man – and one that never lets me down! I rolled in the slime, I tried to fuck the slime, I even tried to spank slime into my arse (I needed a little bit of pain right then) playing with myself all the way. It was just wonderful.



By the end, I was messy and more sexed up than I’ve been in ages. Mess can do that. It turns an ordinary woman into a slut or at least it turns this one. Right then, lying in a pool of goo, my half open clothes filled with thick slime, my hair matted and my make-up long gone, all I wanted was a good rough fuck right there in the mess.

But sadly there was nobody there to give it to me. Perhaps I should have gone next door…

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To deal with them in reverse order… I was sitting in a corner chatting to my mate Alex off the radio (don’t worry you won’t have heard him, he’s only on at 3am!) when a familiar voice said, “Hello, Bill!” At first, I admit that although the voice was familiar, the face wasn’t partly cos it was now topped with jet black hair. Then the penny dropped. It was Tracey, currently one of the stars on sploshdownloads.com – especially famous for her role as the schoolgirl The ABC of Sploshing, currently our most popular download (see below)!

Tracey is a local girl but hasn’t worked for us for at least five years due to family commitments so it was a great surprise to see her, especially in my local pub. However she is anxious to give sploshing another go and certainly her new black hair could do with a good custard shampoo! She also tells me that Georgie (they were great friends in those days) is now happily married in York and not modelling any more. I did ask if she’d be up for doing something for our 20th birthday, but I think that’s less likely. But, hey, one out of two isn’t bad.
Then on Bank Holiday Monday I was taking a very short break from the pub to buy a cheese roll from the shop next door (no food since breakfast arrrggg!) when a man tapped me on the shoulder. “Hello!” he smiled. “You don’t recognise me do you?” I was bewildered again but this time I was certain it wasn’t an ex-model and fortunately didn’t have to wait long for him to enlighten me. “I work down the cash & carry where you buy your stuff. We all know what you do with it, we’ve seen you on the telly.” Well, fame is all very nice, I thought, but right now the cheese roll would be nicer. “Anyway,” he continued. “My girlfriend here wants to ask you something.” I looked down and a pretty little girl with dark hair and glasses smiled nervously at me. “Um, are you looking for models?” she asked timidly. “I’m not exactly a glamour girl but I love what you do, and I really would like a go. Would you consider me?” Well, how could anyone refuse? Believe me, I wasn’t wearing the beer goggles yet and she was really attractive as was her obvious enthusiasm. For a moment I even forgot the cheese roll! After a few minutes confirming that Splosh! wasn’t just for Page Three girls or silicon-enhanced slappers, she agreed to come along and get thoroughly messed up!
It’s tough having to work on Bank Holiday but….

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Following one or two requests on the the Forum, here is the complete article. Hope you like it. Apologies for the occasional bit of bad language but it’s what these magazines expect!
Top Ten Foods for Sploshing
by Bill Shipton of www.splosh.co.uk
the world’s leading messy sex site!
1) Custard: The first rule of seductive sploshing is “sweet not savoury”, and with its creamy consistency, custard is the ideal love lube. Ready-made Ambrosia (about £1.40 a litre) is the Top of the Slops, afterall you don’t want to be boiling milk with a hard-on…
2) Cream: The spray stuff is perfect for sensuous splosh-lite activity. Ideal decoration for nipples and nobs, just don’t turn your cock into an organic Everest and expect your partner to go down in one. She’s more likely to chuck than swallow. Anchor do a good one (know as Wanchor in the trade cos so many stag girls use it for hand jobs!)
3) Chocolate: Good in all its forms. Gooey newbies should stick to the syrup like Treat (99p in supermarkets) whilst chocoholics should opt for big bags of chocolate sponge mix (from Cash & Carries). Made with warm water, it’s liquid chocolate cake and about £7 a bucketful – more than enough to cover two!
4) Porridge: Most women like to start the day with something hot inside them – or, in this case, outside them. The grey gruel may not look sexy but well mixed, warm and lump-free, it has set many a non-Scot sighing. And it’s an excellent exfoliant! Novice sploshers might like to start with Reddy Brek – it’s smoother and saucepan-free.
5) Eggs: Get your guy hard in three minutes by sliding around in slippery raw egg. Just keep those shells away from your tender bits – they are sharper than shattered glass.
6) Jam/pie filling/peanut butter: I do love things that spread easily – like legs. Just pick a favourite flavour and butter your partner up like a butty. Beware of some blackcurrant ones. They contain blue food dye, so your next sticky moment could be waking up next to a Smurf.
7) Syrup/fruit sauce/treacle: The syrups in the supermarket (strawberry, raspberry, toffee etc) are excellent splosh starter packs. Move on to the maple or big tins of golden syrup next, then when you are really brave invest in a gallon drum of black treacle. It’s like liquid rubber completely enclosing the body in thick black stickiness. To misquote the Marks ad, this isn’t just food – it’s S&M food! Baked beans/spaghetti: Beloved by closet sploshers on charity days, beans are more funny than fruity, and most women can’t stand the smell. Understandable. Would you want to wake up whiffing like greasy spoon leftovers?
9) Rice pudding/semolina: Those whose memories of school meals go back before turkey twizzlers have a nostalgic fondness for a milky pud. Bizarrely, warmed up in the confines of her kecks (or yours), they feel a lot better than they taste.
10) Pies/cream cakes/gateaux: Whether for sitting in or flinging in the face, these are a splosh staple! Make your own missiles from sponge flan cases and custard (or Angel Delight) for a fuck-friendly food fight, or defrost a big Black Forest, strip off and slowly sit in it as a prelude to a long night licking and sucking. Now that’s what I call afters…
The runners up: When I asked the members of the Splosh! Forum at www.splosh.co.uk to nominate their favourites, they came up with 54 different ones in a day! Amongst the also rans were…vegetable soup, mushy peas, marshmallow fluff, fish paste, macaroni cheese, and mashed potato and gravy (combined). Yum!

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Why? Well apart from this being my natural dress for a Saturday night (something I’m notorious for!), in the evening they had booked glam rock band Sweet FA (yes, they do a lot of Sweet numbers) and wanted us glammed up accordingly. So once again I squeezed into something tight and shiny, and made Bill wear not only his PVC jeans but a pair of fab five-inch high platform boots (shiny black with red flames) as well. Of course he could barely walk in them, so he spent much of the time sitting down chatting, drinking and singing along whilst I danced until the sweat was running into my boots!
Thanks to the guys and girls who so kindly joined me on the dancefloor (doing the bump amongst other things) and to Marianne behind the bar who spotted how warm I was and used the soda water spray to hose me down a bit (though not nearly for long enough). Made the PVC nice and slippery though, as one of my dancing partners pointed out.
Sadly despite having TWO cakes (one strawberry and cream gateau and one chocolate one) neither were for sitting in or throwing! But we did get Terri & Neil a carton of custard for their wedding night!
The funniest part though was probably their parents’ reaction to the whole event. Set in a bikers’ pub with a glam rock band playing and two middle-aged idiots in PVC and platforms flirting and flinging themselves around, it’s perhaps not surprising that one of the parents said, staring deep into my dripping cleavage,
“Well, it’s not exactly what we’re USED TO…”
Strangely, it’s exactly what I’m used to, and I love it.
Next time, guys, let’s have a food fight as well!
If any photos of the event appear, we’ll post them somewhere.

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