First, I had to make up the pies. Since several people have asked, I used Erasmic shaving cream dyed yellow with food colouring for the main part of the pie. The best way to do this is empty about three cans in a big bucket, add the dye and whisk it till it’s an even colour. Then I plated them up (as those chefs on telly say) and decorated with cheap white shaving foam. The Erasmic is so thick it is as good as real whipped cream and the white foam made them look delicious!
Next I slipped into my outfit. I saw it on Ebay a few weeks back and liked it because it was a lot fuller than many cheap maid’s dresses with more decoration. I am not really a girly girl when it comes to clothing (frills and lingerie aren’t really me) but if I was going to do that, I wanted to do it properly. And once I’d got the stockings and suspenders on I admit I was beginning to really feel the part. I even started walking in that french ‘ooh la la’ floozy way! What’s more, I automatically started slipping into Clown Julie-style facial expressions! It must be something to do with the frills tickling my fanny!

As has become by custom on these sets, I took the photos myself The camera was set up on a tripod with some pictures to be shot on the timer, others in a sequence. The pies looked so good I couldn’t wait to get on with it, and although I managed a few pre-mess shots (which worked unlike the gunge set) I really just wanted to feel those pies in my face. So no surprise then that after a trial single pie (to check the camera was working) my first real shot was a nice deep pie sandwich right in the kisser!

This felt fantastic (it is one of my favourite moves). The only disappointment was having to wipe it off my face so I could see to set the camera up for the next sequence. Fortunately there were plenty more pies to come!!

As well as the dozen or so pies I had made, I had also bought several litres of ready-made custard. I was determined to make this set a bit classier than some of Bill’s (did you notice the tablecloth?) so was keen to put the custard (warmed in the airing cupboard overnight) into a jug. Unfortunately, I discovered that the biggest jug I had in the house was a tiny Pyrex one!! This was a bit of a pain as I had to keep filling it up (it took two jugs to fill my cleavage alone – hehe no pun intended!). But the warm custard felt so nice it was worth the effort. In fact, by the end I’d poured custard down my cleavage, in my knicks (front and back) even inside my stockings! I can still remember how good it was!

By the end I was (as usual!) on the floor plastering myself with everything I had left. Several full face pies, more custard, an ill-conceived attempt at pouring custard over my head and pieing myself simultaneously (not possible, so edited out!). I love this bit. I can be as silly as I want and stop being the well behaved, smart PA I have to be during the week.

The only snag is trying to concentrate on photos when my pussy is aching for my fingers to push its buttons rather than the cameras. Fanny or Fuji? Tough call… As a result I was disappointed at how many of the shots came out blurred (especially my attempts at body close-ups) so they have been left out of even the full set. Even so I managed 90 good ones, and much more importantly had a fantastic time!

I hope you like them. Being impatient I put one or two photos up on my Fetlife page and a couple of members have been very nice about them. I think some of BDSM crowd think I’m mad and sometimes doing these solo sets seems odd even to me. But I love the spontaneity of them, doing what I want when I want without somebody directing me. I hope the $5 charge for the last two sets in full doesn’t make me appear ‘professional’ cos I’m so not and never want to be. Any money (and I am not expecting much as you can see many of the shots free at The Free House) will be ring-fenced, as politicians say, to go toward costumes and gunge! I don’t want to make a profit, I just want my sets to get bigger, better and messier without having to sell my house!!! And there will always be a free version of anything I do available as well on Channel Free.
You see, now I’ve started getting messy again I want to carry on for ever!

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The four sketches include Davina’s amazing Newsreading stint which sees her soaked to the skin, deluged with food, sticky with syrup, sprayed with paint, covered in mud and then topped off with treacle (by which time she is lying naked on the newsdesk!). It was shot at Brian Grove of Crazy Girls’ place in Preston (Davina being a fellow student there at that time) with me pouring the stuff from a balcony way above the set. This made it hard to aim and incredibly hot! To hear more about it, read the notes on the film at www.hits.sploshdownloads.com.

Fans of big boobs should definitely not miss Karen and Rani making a wedding cake. Both buxom girls get their titanic tits covered (and the rest of them, of course) with Karen reacting in her usual slightly offbeat way!

And there is a rather fine wetlook and clay scene featuring a very young Vicky Ford installing a very unpredictable shower. It starts with her getting drenched in denim (jeans and jacket) before she changes into a stunning blue satin suit which gets coated in clay before she showers in that as well. We and messy satin fans, take note!

But for brilliant reactions, acting and facial expressions, it really is hard to beat Sammy-Jane consumer testing custard pies on posh presenter, Ophelia. The latter’s acting was so good in fact that it caught us out completely – we really did think she was in a strop at one point! You can also spot a few instances of Sammy laughing at her performance during the sketch. It really is great fun – though Sam doesn’t look that pleased in the pic below!

Anyway, we hope you like our latest selection. There’s plenty more to come, so keep an eye on the site.

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1. Compiling our Greatest Hits
2. Splosh! Greatest Hits DL Store NOW OPEN
3. Ups and Downloads

The first six movies – over two hours of downloadable film – are available right now along with a unique chance to download a PDF version of the very first SPLOSH! magazine from 1989. All at prices between $5 and S7 (about £3-4). Bargain! On hits.sploshdownloads.com you’ll also find hundreds of pictures from the films plus a brief history of how and when each came to be made and even Director’s Tips of quirky things to look for (or try and avoid!).
So if you are new to sploshing and want to catch up on everything you’ve missed in a format you understand – or you just want to relive the days when girls had bushy hair and a hairy bush then this is the ideal place to go.
So please go and take a look…

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2. Ups and Downloads
3. Farewell to Tim

So that's the full menu Madam?

Bit of a miserable week for me as I was laid low with an attack of flu-bris – the hubris caused when you think you have defeated the flu and instead it comes back worse than ever. So, coughing, sneezing etc I have been stuck indoors for the last seven days except for a brief visit from Clown Julie’s comedy partner Charlie who told me all about their pie-flinging encounter with mature glamour puss, Miss Jones…

There’s only one thing disappointing about meeting Charlie. You really want him to arrive in a miniature car with every panel painted a different primary colour, which comes to a halt with a massive explosion blowing the doors off and making foam squirt out of the radiator. That’s what clown cars do. Sadly hire cars don’t and as Charlie is by day a serious scientist and he was en route from meetings in London to ’something he couldn’t talk about’ in Finland, that was what he was drivng.

After picking up one of Julie frocks and his clown shoes from the studio (as you can see from the picture above taken from their film in our downloads section you need a big car for those alone!), we popped down the pub where the ’serious scientist’ was far more impressed by the St Austell bitter that was on sale. We started to chat. Now Charlie isn’t the boastful sort, but even so conversations with him do tend to leave you feeling somewhat inferior. As if the casually-mentioned trip to Finland wasn’t impressive enough, Charlie had just returned from the Canadian Arctic where he’d been living in a tent eating such Inuit delicacies as seal eyes and raw liver (apparently they like it that way cos it’s warm and wet). I began to see why the beer was so impressive.
Entertainment was a bit short out in the Arctic as well. It was a choice between watching the Inuit TV station featuring an Eskimo Blue Peter that taught kids how to trap, skin and disembowel groundhogs or editing a film of Julie and Miss Jones getting messy on his laptop. Tough call – not!
For those who have yet to visit her website, Miss Jones is a mature model who specialises in what could best be described as 60s-style glamour (lots of stockings and sussies) who’d seen Julie at work and fancied taking part in a clown-style pie-throwing routine with her. Charlie had been asked to help shoot it and edit it in return for use of the messy bit of the film – which we hope might be coming to Splosh! Downloads in the future. Julie was doing it purely for the chance to have a pie fight with another woman!

In many ways, it went very well. Miss Jones proved a natural comedienne and literally couldn’t stop laughing all the time she was pieing Julie. She was also good at taking the pies as well, her facial expressions being exactly the comic style they both love. The only difficult bit was Charlie and Miss Jones’ photograher co-operating on the two camera shoot. Apparently this turned into a scene more like the Charlie character we know and love with them arguing over who was filming what, when to start and whether to stop. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear… It had more than an element of the Chuckle Brothers about it, especially as the cameras emitted a loud ‘bing-bong’ every time they started, all of which had to be removed in the edit. However, whilst the clowning around behind the cameras was a bit exasperating, the clowning around in front of them was extremely arousing. Fingers slipped everywhere as the two ladies got covered in creamy pie, and Julie was in messy heaven. Miss Jones seemed pretty happy too.

As I said, we hope we can bring you this film in the future, and of course more Julie adventures with Gilly, Sammy and Co when Charlie returns from whatever remote spot he is working in next. I did wonder (in light of the famous shoe bomber incident) what airport security would make of Charlie’s oversized red footwear. Perhaps he is already languishing in some jail being waterboarded by US soldiers. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…
PS Just thought of this…How can you tell an Iraqi clown? He has the only car that doesn’t blow up…

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1. Clown Julie’s Bank Holiday Slosh Fest!
2. Ups and Downloads
3. We Splosh the Reporter from Scarlet magazine

Amongst the items on offer when we open will DEFINITELY be
a chance to download the very first Splosh! magazine in PDF,
Louise and Sammy-Jane’s famous food fight from Pretty Clumsy Woman (my directorial debut!),
The Making of Flanderella and a Messy Business with Louise, Luna, Sammy and Gilly,
And the best bits of Juicy Pairs.

It’s those I have been doing this week and what fun it’s been! I have many happy memories of Karen Partington and Amanda Hughes (above) doing Story Corner. The girls were exactly as they sound – Karen a scatterbrained blonde, Amanda posh and refined but also deeply sexual. They made the perfect pair (and that’s just Karen). Some wonderfully awful puns in it as well!

Then there’s the food-flinging french maids in Simply a Mess (starring Emma & Mud Donna above and below), my first ‘complete’ song! I had written short song parodies for WSM before (like Nobody Does It Wetter in WSM’ll Fix It’s James Bond piss-take), but this provided a chance to do the whole thing. Quite what the female session singer made of belting out lyrics like
“Put jam in my jugs and pour cream on my buns.
Fill my knickers with treacle and watch where it runs…”

I will never know. But amazingly the song stands the test of time, although the film of Emma and Mud Donna is spoiled slightly by Shaun (who edited it) playing with his new mixer a bit too much!

But it is hard to fault, even now, Jo Bache and Emma’s final party scene in Juicy Pairs, though Emma (above and below) seems to disagree!

Two great-lloking girls who obviously got on well having a fabulous time. It was shot the same day as all the linking material (where I spent several hours under a desk being glove puppet Randy the Rodent) which was a tricky shoot but as soon the mess came out , the girls were in their element.

And to prove it, a bit later we will also be putting up what happened after this sketch finished, when they carried on playing and cuddling regardless!

Going through the old videos shows there is loads and loads of excellent fun and funny material to bring you and we will be updating the Greatest Hits store for a long time to come. We can’t wait for it to open. I hope you feel the same.

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1. Splosh! Greatest Hits DL Store NOW OPEN
2. Download the Best of Buns
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To deal with them in reverse order… I was sitting in a corner chatting to my mate Alex off the radio (don’t worry you won’t have heard him, he’s only on at 3am!) when a familiar voice said, “Hello, Bill!” At first, I admit that although the voice was familiar, the face wasn’t partly cos it was now topped with jet black hair. Then the penny dropped. It was Tracey, currently one of the stars on sploshdownloads.com – especially famous for her role as the schoolgirl The ABC of Sploshing, currently our most popular download (see below)!

Tracey is a local girl but hasn’t worked for us for at least five years due to family commitments so it was a great surprise to see her, especially in my local pub. However she is anxious to give sploshing another go and certainly her new black hair could do with a good custard shampoo! She also tells me that Georgie (they were great friends in those days) is now happily married in York and not modelling any more. I did ask if she’d be up for doing something for our 20th birthday, but I think that’s less likely. But, hey, one out of two isn’t bad.
Then on Bank Holiday Monday I was taking a very short break from the pub to buy a cheese roll from the shop next door (no food since breakfast arrrggg!) when a man tapped me on the shoulder. “Hello!” he smiled. “You don’t recognise me do you?” I was bewildered again but this time I was certain it wasn’t an ex-model and fortunately didn’t have to wait long for him to enlighten me. “I work down the cash & carry where you buy your stuff. We all know what you do with it, we’ve seen you on the telly.” Well, fame is all very nice, I thought, but right now the cheese roll would be nicer. “Anyway,” he continued. “My girlfriend here wants to ask you something.” I looked down and a pretty little girl with dark hair and glasses smiled nervously at me. “Um, are you looking for models?” she asked timidly. “I’m not exactly a glamour girl but I love what you do, and I really would like a go. Would you consider me?” Well, how could anyone refuse? Believe me, I wasn’t wearing the beer goggles yet and she was really attractive as was her obvious enthusiasm. For a moment I even forgot the cheese roll! After a few minutes confirming that Splosh! wasn’t just for Page Three girls or silicon-enhanced slappers, she agreed to come along and get thoroughly messed up!
It’s tough having to work on Bank Holiday but….

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Not only that, but you can chat and share your experiences & photos with fellow sploshers at our fun, friendly forum – or find out what we’ve been up complete with behind-the-scenes stories at our Soggy Blog.

We want you to have as much mucky fun as we do, so jump in and join me in a world where the custard is always warm and a big wet pie in the face is the only way to say “I love you”!

Come on, guys & girlies! You know you want to. Let me have it!

Big Squishy Kisses

Maid Hayley x x x

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Well, we have finally bitten the bullet and found a way round all this by teaming up with our friends at the WAM Store. All being well, the download pages will merge seamlessly into this website whilst at the same time taking advantage of their excellent facilities.
We had hoped to do it all ourselves but in the end credit card companies who wanted tax returns from our first born, no mentions of bondage or pee anywhere on the site and other Christian fundamentalist morality drove us into the arms of SoundGuy.
We are currently designing the site and I am teaching myself how to use it (a slow process for a man used to chucking pies rather than grappling with FTP) but we hope to have something up an running in the next couple of weeks. We really hope you will like it.

As well as poor Tracy here, there will be a lot of previously unseen films, exclusive new material from Clown Julie, DD, Candy Custard, and Sammy-Jane (to name a few), photo-stories from MessClub7 and a lot, lot more.
Let’s just hope it all works and we can brighten up this credit squeezed summer with some seriously over-the-top sploshing!

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1. CC meets DD in Sploshworld
2. French Maid Hayley at Your Service
3. Ohhh Miss Jones!!

Although Dolly is a regular visitor to the Splosh! studios – not to mention our local pub (the local B&B owner telling us ’she is quite often a bit hungover in the mornings!”) this was Candy Custard’s first time here, and only her second professional shoot. Rather surprisingly, she liked Hastings rating it above her native Hinkley on the grounds that “it has the sea and Debenhams”. So it follows that she was keen to enjoy the full seaside experience. The sun was out, for once, so the top heavy twosome went for a walk on the beach to admire the front – something that happens to them all the time! Despite being chilly they had to have ice creams and even a paddle


before hitting some of Hastings top designer shops (like the local angling emporium cos they liked the name,

and Substance, a shop that sells a combination of ’smoking requisites’ and sex aids so is known locally as the Dong & Bong). Then full of rubbish seaside food they came to the studio to play with a lot more!
We managed to shoot two films with them. The first was based on the famous old song Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better, with the girls boasting abut just how messy or rude they could be and trying to outdo each other. A lot of pies, eggs, custard, chocolate sauce, cake mix and treacle covered every inch of their spectacular curves and by the end – at absolutely no insistance from me – they were kissing and licking each other’s tits, fondling their own and their opponent’s fannies and getting stuck into some serious mucky minge munching. The breathing made it obvious to even the most cynical splosh film maker that these girls were doing it for real and loving what they were getting up to. Anything You Can Do will be a download on this site soon, but before then we will be running stills from it to let you know what a horny time you are in for.
The second movie was for Gilly’s Silly House (www.gillysillyhouse.com) and should be available for members to download this weekend. It’s a two part adventure starring DD in her famous Alice role and Candy as the Queen of Hearts. Just as the story goes, she had made some tarts and it isn’t long before the dumplinged duo are indulging in a tit-for-tat pie fight washed down with plenty of custard.



That will be Part One which will be at the Silly House this weekend – look out for more pictures from it on the Forum then.
But in Part Two the action gets a lot hotter as the chocolate, cake mix and treacle come out. Again with no direction from me our girls were plunging their faces between each other’s enormous knockers, playing with each other’s sticky pussies and taking it in turns to bury their heads between their new mucker’s thighs! It is very steamy stuff as these shots show. More to follow on the Forum next week.


Again, the breathing gives away just how genuine all this is. These girls are both REAL SPLOSHERS.
Finally we hit the pub, and still fired by adrenalin and in the girls’ cases a lot of sexual energy the drink flowed. In Candy’s case it was in the form of double vodka and cokes whilst Dolly and I stuck to a more moderate singles knowing we weren’t going anywhere for a long while. Thanks to the rate they were going down, the money being pumped into the juke box to keep the cheesy music going and the boss being away, Shane (our favourite barman) kept us locked in till after 4am! By this time the girls had entertained local pissheads like Masonic Jim and John the Alice Cooper fan and been approached by an over amorous gentleman from the Czech republic. Spotting Candy’s considerable cuddle buckets, he came over and said, “I luurrvvve your cleave-arge. Please be my partner!” When she turned him down (and we asked him to talk to someone else) he muttered something about us all being racists and disappeared forgotten into the night.
Less easily forgotten is the moment we left Candy alone with Jason our local garage proprietor. Dolly and I were chatting at the bar when we turned round and saw she was giving him a pole dancing demo! Then, just to prove what he had learned, Jason returned the compliment, stripping off his shirt and dancing for her! Well, it was 3am by then!
At 4.30, even Shane had had enough of our antics and I dropped CC and DD at the B&B where amazingly they made it up for breakfast at 8.30 (I didn’t even make lunch!). However, their Full Englishes went pretty well untouched…
“You didn’t do very well, did you?” said Pat the owner.
How wrong you are, Pat. They did VERY WELL and when all of you see the Silly House videos and the Splosh! one later on, you’ll be bound to agree. Meanwhile, I’m off to a rest home to recover.

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