So that's the full menu Madam?

Bit of a miserable week for me as I was laid low with an attack of flu-bris – the hubris caused when you think you have defeated the flu and instead it comes back worse than ever. So, coughing, sneezing etc I have been stuck indoors for the last seven days except for a brief visit from Clown Julie’s comedy partner Charlie who told me all about their pie-flinging encounter with mature glamour puss, Miss Jones…

There’s only one thing disappointing about meeting Charlie. You really want him to arrive in a miniature car with every panel painted a different primary colour, which comes to a halt with a massive explosion blowing the doors off and making foam squirt out of the radiator. That’s what clown cars do. Sadly hire cars don’t and as Charlie is by day a serious scientist and he was en route from meetings in London to ‘something he couldn’t talk about’ in Finland, that was what he was drivng.

After picking up one of Julie frocks and his clown shoes from the studio (as you can see from the picture above taken from their film in our downloads section you need a big car for those alone!), we popped down the pub where the ‘serious scientist’ was far more impressed by the St Austell bitter that was on sale. We started to chat. Now Charlie isn’t the boastful sort, but even so conversations with him do tend to leave you feeling somewhat inferior. As if the casually-mentioned trip to Finland wasn’t impressive enough, Charlie had just returned from the Canadian Arctic where he’d been living in a tent eating such Inuit delicacies as seal eyes and raw liver (apparently they like it that way cos it’s warm and wet). I began to see why the beer was so impressive.
Entertainment was a bit short out in the Arctic as well. It was a choice between watching the Inuit TV station featuring an Eskimo Blue Peter that taught kids how to trap, skin and disembowel groundhogs or editing a film of Julie and Miss Jones getting messy on his laptop. Tough call – not!
For those who have yet to visit her website, Miss Jones is a mature model who specialises in what could best be described as 60s-style glamour (lots of stockings and sussies) who’d seen Julie at work and fancied taking part in a clown-style pie-throwing routine with her. Charlie had been asked to help shoot it and edit it in return for use of the messy bit of the film – which we hope might be coming to Splosh! Downloads in the future. Julie was doing it purely for the chance to have a pie fight with another woman!

In many ways, it went very well. Miss Jones proved a natural comedienne and literally couldn’t stop laughing all the time she was pieing Julie. She was also good at taking the pies as well, her facial expressions being exactly the comic style they both love. The only difficult bit was Charlie and Miss Jones’ photograher co-operating on the two camera shoot. Apparently this turned into a scene more like the Charlie character we know and love with them arguing over who was filming what, when to start and whether to stop. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear… It had more than an element of the Chuckle Brothers about it, especially as the cameras emitted a loud ‘bing-bong’ every time they started, all of which had to be removed in the edit. However, whilst the clowning around behind the cameras was a bit exasperating, the clowning around in front of them was extremely arousing. Fingers slipped everywhere as the two ladies got covered in creamy pie, and Julie was in messy heaven. Miss Jones seemed pretty happy too.

As I said, we hope we can bring you this film in the future, and of course more Julie adventures with Gilly, Sammy and Co when Charlie returns from whatever remote spot he is working in next. I did wonder (in light of the famous shoe bomber incident) what airport security would make of Charlie’s oversized red footwear. Perhaps he is already languishing in some jail being waterboarded by US soldiers. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…
PS Just thought of this…How can you tell an Iraqi clown? He has the only car that doesn’t blow up…

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Amongst the items on offer when we open will DEFINITELY be
a chance to download the very first Splosh! magazine in PDF,
Louise and Sammy-Jane’s famous food fight from Pretty Clumsy Woman (my directorial debut!),
The Making of Flanderella and a Messy Business with Louise, Luna, Sammy and Gilly,
And the best bits of Juicy Pairs.

It’s those I have been doing this week and what fun it’s been! I have many happy memories of Karen Partington and Amanda Hughes (above) doing Story Corner. The girls were exactly as they sound – Karen a scatterbrained blonde, Amanda posh and refined but also deeply sexual. They made the perfect pair (and that’s just Karen). Some wonderfully awful puns in it as well!

Then there’s the food-flinging french maids in Simply a Mess (starring Emma & Mud Donna above and below), my first ‘complete’ song! I had written short song parodies for WSM before (like Nobody Does It Wetter in WSM’ll Fix It’s James Bond piss-take), but this provided a chance to do the whole thing. Quite what the female session singer made of belting out lyrics like
“Put jam in my jugs and pour cream on my buns.
Fill my knickers with treacle and watch where it runs…”

I will never know. But amazingly the song stands the test of time, although the film of Emma and Mud Donna is spoiled slightly by Shaun (who edited it) playing with his new mixer a bit too much!

But it is hard to fault, even now, Jo Bache and Emma’s final party scene in Juicy Pairs, though Emma (above and below) seems to disagree!

Two great-lloking girls who obviously got on well having a fabulous time. It was shot the same day as all the linking material (where I spent several hours under a desk being glove puppet Randy the Rodent) which was a tricky shoot but as soon the mess came out , the girls were in their element.

And to prove it, a bit later we will also be putting up what happened after this sketch finished, when they carried on playing and cuddling regardless!

Going through the old videos shows there is loads and loads of excellent fun and funny material to bring you and we will be updating the Greatest Hits store for a long time to come. We can’t wait for it to open. I hope you feel the same.

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Unfortunately, when she got there the magazine moguls turned up with two bars of Cadbury’s to melt down and nothing more.
“It was a bit disappointing,” Hydee told us. “We were expecting to share a big bathtub of the stuff and completely submerge in it. Instead we had to smear it over each other like sticky kids.”
Nonetheless, Hydee was happy to share her love of getting messy and some stories of work at the Silly House with Love It’s readers who seemed eager to respond. The very next week a housewife wrote in saying how much the idea of rolling in chocolate turned her on. Well, love, you know where to come.
Meanwhile, if Hydee was disappointed with her chocolate coverage at Love It, we were happy to make amends. In Part Two of Snooker Gloopy, the latest film at www.gillysillyhouse.com, snooker player “Hurricane Hydee” gets smothered in gallons of her favourite (and a great deal more) as she attempts to “sink the brown” with co-star (and opponent) Gilly.

“That was much more like it!” she told us afterwards.

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Katie is not just a sweet , great-looking girl – as this cleaner picture of her shows…

….she just loves getting messy and is a fantastically good sport. As well as appearing with Gilly on Graham Norton, she has been stuck in the stocks, pelted with pies, covered in chocolate, spanked – and this week pelted with even more pies, custard, baked beans and (next week) deluged with five different flavours of thick cake mix gunge! A real trooper! So if anyone deserves to get the £30,000 prize it’s her – not some airhead model who’ll blow it all on one designer handbag.

So vote for her now.
Simply go to www.fhm.com/honeys/katiegreen and vote for her there or you can text your vote by sending Honey Katie (with a space between the two) to 86145. Texts cost just 15p each plus your standard network rate (scarcely an Ant & Dec-style rip off).
So how did a pretty, splosh-loving girl get to be noticed by FHM? Well, it might just be her interview technique. Applying for the Hot Honey contest she was granted an interview after being asked on her application form to describe herself in three words. Naturally, she ignored ‘bubbly’, ‘beautiful’, ‘caring’, ‘loyal’ etc and went for ‘slim, sexy and psychotic’! And got in. Then at the interview itself when they tried to catch her out with one of those silly questions – in this case “How would you dispose of a dead body?” – instead of clamming up, she smiled sweetly and said, “First I’d chop it up then feed it to the pigs. Then I’d kill the pigs and make you eat the the evidence through the medium of bacon buttiess!” Not your average model’s reply.

We love her – and you will too in the next two weeks updates at www.gillysillyhouse.com – so get voting. Otherwise, remember, she knows how to dispose of your remains!

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Although Dolly is a regular visitor to the Splosh! studios – not to mention our local pub (the local B&B owner telling us ‘she is quite often a bit hungover in the mornings!”) this was Candy Custard’s first time here, and only her second professional shoot. Rather surprisingly, she liked Hastings rating it above her native Hinkley on the grounds that “it has the sea and Debenhams”. So it follows that she was keen to enjoy the full seaside experience. The sun was out, for once, so the top heavy twosome went for a walk on the beach to admire the front – something that happens to them all the time! Despite being chilly they had to have ice creams and even a paddle


before hitting some of Hastings top designer shops (like the local angling emporium cos they liked the name,

and Substance, a shop that sells a combination of ‘smoking requisites’ and sex aids so is known locally as the Dong & Bong). Then full of rubbish seaside food they came to the studio to play with a lot more!
We managed to shoot two films with them. The first was based on the famous old song Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better, with the girls boasting abut just how messy or rude they could be and trying to outdo each other. A lot of pies, eggs, custard, chocolate sauce, cake mix and treacle covered every inch of their spectacular curves and by the end – at absolutely no insistance from me – they were kissing and licking each other’s tits, fondling their own and their opponent’s fannies and getting stuck into some serious mucky minge munching. The breathing made it obvious to even the most cynical splosh film maker that these girls were doing it for real and loving what they were getting up to. Anything You Can Do will be a download on this site soon, but before then we will be running stills from it to let you know what a horny time you are in for.
The second movie was for Gilly’s Silly House (www.gillysillyhouse.com) and should be available for members to download this weekend. It’s a two part adventure starring DD in her famous Alice role and Candy as the Queen of Hearts. Just as the story goes, she had made some tarts and it isn’t long before the dumplinged duo are indulging in a tit-for-tat pie fight washed down with plenty of custard.



That will be Part One which will be at the Silly House this weekend – look out for more pictures from it on the Forum then.
But in Part Two the action gets a lot hotter as the chocolate, cake mix and treacle come out. Again with no direction from me our girls were plunging their faces between each other’s enormous knockers, playing with each other’s sticky pussies and taking it in turns to bury their heads between their new mucker’s thighs! It is very steamy stuff as these shots show. More to follow on the Forum next week.


Again, the breathing gives away just how genuine all this is. These girls are both REAL SPLOSHERS.
Finally we hit the pub, and still fired by adrenalin and in the girls’ cases a lot of sexual energy the drink flowed. In Candy’s case it was in the form of double vodka and cokes whilst Dolly and I stuck to a more moderate singles knowing we weren’t going anywhere for a long while. Thanks to the rate they were going down, the money being pumped into the juke box to keep the cheesy music going and the boss being away, Shane (our favourite barman) kept us locked in till after 4am! By this time the girls had entertained local pissheads like Masonic Jim and John the Alice Cooper fan and been approached by an over amorous gentleman from the Czech republic. Spotting Candy’s considerable cuddle buckets, he came over and said, “I luurrvvve your cleave-arge. Please be my partner!” When she turned him down (and we asked him to talk to someone else) he muttered something about us all being racists and disappeared forgotten into the night.
Less easily forgotten is the moment we left Candy alone with Jason our local garage proprietor. Dolly and I were chatting at the bar when we turned round and saw she was giving him a pole dancing demo! Then, just to prove what he had learned, Jason returned the compliment, stripping off his shirt and dancing for her! Well, it was 3am by then!
At 4.30, even Shane had had enough of our antics and I dropped CC and DD at the B&B where amazingly they made it up for breakfast at 8.30 (I didn’t even make lunch!). However, their Full Englishes went pretty well untouched…
“You didn’t do very well, did you?” said Pat the owner.
How wrong you are, Pat. They did VERY WELL and when all of you see the Silly House videos and the Splosh! one later on, you’ll be bound to agree. Meanwhile, I’m off to a rest home to recover.

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1974-1977: At college in Birmingham doing a degree in what would now be called Media Studies. Wanted to be a proper broadcaster! Was said to be good at radio and even TV presenting – despite looking rubbish. Still a reasonable talker as the poor bastards who have had to interview know only too well!
1978: Fuck all. Was on the dole in Aston, Handsworth and Harborne waiting for big offer from the BBC (was applying for loads of jobs there). Not a bloody sausage.
1979: Started freelancing for local magazines including a day spent as a professional clown at Wolverhampton Fiesta (as dull as it sounds) with Ben Lester – a wonderfully cynical ex-circus man. Started local news and features magazine for Henley-in-Arden called Henley Digest with a crook called Eric Beaman who ran off with all the money. Wrote reviews for local Whats On magazines. Did voice-over work for BRMB and Beacon Radio. Lived on packet soup.
1981 – 1990: Got job at last! Chief Sub Editor at Mayfair magazine (I applied for that and Feature Writer for HiFi News – convinced I had no hope at Mayfair and was a shoe-in on the latter. How different things might have been!). Moved to London. Three months later they tried to sack me cos I was a rubbish sub. However I was by far their best writer so they kept me on doing that. After many years, rose to giddy heights of Assistant Editor. Had to run the magazine cos the Editor was always out on the piss. There are numerous stories of in-jokes and gags we used to put in the mag at that time, but they may have to wait until the ex-Editor dies!
1984: Started freelancing for other magazines and television. Wrote for loads of magazines and most of the soft porn titles under numerous different names. Had regular monthly features in Penthouse and Club whilst still member of staff for Mayfair. Also wrote humour for Fiesta etc. Produced one-shot magazines for Dennis Publishing on Page Three girls which became a monthly magazine called Daily Girls. These featured photo stories not unlike the ones in Splosh! though without the mess. Also wrote for respectable magazine like Saga – I was their Nostalgia Expert at 28! Wrote sketches for TV (including the Two Ronnies stuff) and material for radio presenters, local and national. Wrote a show for and appeared in pub cabaret which played in unsuitable pubs and clubs in London before ‘alternative comedy’ kicked off. Did bad David Bellamy impressions amongst other things. Compiled Lie Back & Think of Britain rubbish joke book available in Ann Summers even now. Never went out. Just worked. Had no life at all, but some money at last…
1989: Started Splosh! when Daily Girls was axed (Dennis made more money out of zines about Kylie) but saw it had a small but loyal readership who liked it sexy but not porno. Thought something funny like that would be fun to do and had the money to give it a go. Interviewed guys at Viz who told me how they started. Nicked their ideas. Had seen Wet Shots stuff and liked it, thought this could be the perfect subject – sexy, funny and an excuse to take the piss out of porn and fetish whilst still being sexy and kinky (Viz style). Was helped by a big haired blonde advertising assistant called Hayley who was leaving Mayfair to have a baby.
1990: Left Mayfair and went full-time freelance. Did shifts for Mayfair and Paul Raymond where initially I was drafted in to write the funny front pages for Club International (I had been writing Nathaniel Fatbastard – a restaurant review piss-take and other characters for years). The staff then realised I had all the fun whist they did the dull stuff, so I got given the dull stuff instead (writing girl copy and so on). Started working for Razzle where I wrote most of the copy, came up with ideas for romps and photo sets and ‘played’ such erudite columnists as Bendy Wendy, Cock-Thirsty Kirsty and Dr Deforest Hill (the struck off sex therapist). Still writing for other mags as well including much more pompous funnies for Mayfair!
1991 Mayfair sold to Paul Raymond! Initially I was going to run it but they didn’t like my ideas as they were too “old Mayfair” (they wanted to sex it up). So I carried on doing Razzle and so on cos nobody else liked it (no kudos in writing messy filth, they reckoned! Oh no?).
Produced my first WAM video, Pretty Clumsy Woman (though I had written sketches and linking material for WSM before that – even appearing occasionally). Wanted mine to be cheap and fun rather than 40 quid like the other titles were at the time. Thought it would sell about 200 copies. Went on to produce the other early Buff titles in a similar form. They later made into High St shops like HMV and sold very well for specialist titles.
1992: Moved to St Leonards cos we needed more space. Hayley now a bit more than a colleague! Promptly fell ill and wound up in hospital with blood poisoning after a stomach abscess leaked and nearly killed me. Still working too hard but slowly coming to my senses…
1996: Sacked by Paul Raymond! They made some excuse as to why but really it was cos I was too expensive and they wanted everything cheap now, and not worried about funny any more. So fuck them! Watched all of Euro 96 then devoted most of my time to Splosh! and slowly became less stressed and had more fun.
1996 – Present: Still write for other magazines occasionally. Do bits for radio (including writing a DAILY topical three minute funny for Radio 2) for 18 months. Package items for telly – mainly about Splosh!. Get interviewed about Splosh! occasionally. Went through phase when we were on satellite TV every couple of weeks! (another looonnng story). Took over Gilly’s Silly House in 2003 when original owner ran out of ideas and quit. Been shooting something for them every week since. Hayley (kids now grown up) went back to work and inherited a house from her parents so lived there. We decided to see each other “only when it was fun” rather than have a full time relationship which sort of works. Splosh! forum set up in March 2006 and been quite successful as a fun place to chat with likeminded sploshers. It is the first stage of turning the website into something with the same fun atmosphere as the magazine with downloads and DVDs instead of photo-features.
Still working a lot, thanks largely to GSH, and desperate for more time to spend on Splosh! Now have no money!

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Like me, Gilly had had a quiet family Christmas with her boyfriend and her daughter, so she was only to keen to get back to being saucy with lots of shaving foam. Apart from an interesting moment when she overheard one of her daughter’s schoolfriends (who’d had at least one glass of wine) say, “Your Mum has amazing bosoms!”, nothing exciting (by Gilly’s standards had happened so she was well up for it.

As a result, I decided we might try something a bit different for the second half of our film, Hot! Hot! Hot! (which will be up at www.gillysillyhouse.com this weekend assuming I get down to editing it!). Instead of the usual camera ‘out of harm’s way’ off set, I decided to join her on the floor for some close-ups to create feeling you are rolling around with her in the mess. And the only way to achieve that – is to roll around in the mess with her!

So what you see is exactly what happened – we really were in that close – as she pied herself, rubbed her “amazing bosoms” and generally frigged herself silly. It was very horny to film and the result is just as horny to watch.
The hardest part (no obvious jokes please!) was trying to pie her and hold the camera at the same time! That is a bit wobbly, but you really do get the feeling you are pieing Gilly yourself cos that’s exactly how we did it.

Furthermore, Gilly enjoyed having somebody that close to play along with, so we will definitely be doing it again – so long as my heart can stand it!
You can roll around with Gill too by joining the Silly House. It’s only 12 GBP a month and there are some amazing horny films available to download…take a look.

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The item which featured Gilly and the gang covering each other in custard, cake sitting and filling each other’s knickers ran on and off throughout the original show and proved so popular, an edited version made it onto the Best of Graham Norton compilation shown last week (hence the listing on iPlayer).
Other guests on our show included rock singer Alice Cooper, a bit of an icon for me in my teenage days, and I am delghted to say I now have his autograph. He seemed somewhat more amused by sploshing than Ms Toksvig.
And although he may not remember it, this is not the first time Graham Norton has encountered our magazine. Many years ago before he was a Five Million Pound Celebrity, he hosted a late night show on ITV called Carnal Knowledge where couples were quizzed on what they knew abut sex. One round featured was a sort of “What’s My Line” with a mystery guest miming his occupation and the couples having to guess what they did for a living. Well, one week it was me! I duly mimed making up custard pies and let them try and guess my bizarre job but nobody got close. I was then allowed to plug the magazine weith Graham for three minutes during which time he moaned about the cover price but held the magazine up to the camera so I didn’t complain.
Less enjoyable was the run up to the show. As I was a ‘mystery guest’, I wasn’t allowed to join all the others in ‘hospitality’. Instead I was locked in a small room the size of a cupboard and given a crate of Becks to work my way through! Since the show ran rather late, the Becks ran out before I did, but I was certainly ‘chatty’. In fact I remember them telling me off for not giving yes and no answers to the cntestant’ questions but full sentences – and more!
Carnal Knowledge still gets shown occasionally on Challenge TV and the like, and as well as launching Graham Norton ( a dubious merit), it also put me back in touch with an old school girlfriend who I hadn’t seen for 20 odd years. She saw the show and e-mailed me with the line, “Congratulations on the magazine – shame about the baldness. Do get in touch.” We have been ever since and not only has she had a messy session in the studio, but now has a framed copy of Splosh! No 35 in her bathroom!
You see, sploshers are everywhere…

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When Gilly arrived at Hydee’s house to pick her up and take her to the studio, the versatile model (who is a trained dancer, stilt walker and plumber!) was still in bed. So, did she rush to get ready for the drive to St Leonards? Did she hell! She turned up in her pyjamas! It took a couple of big mugs of coffee before she changed out of her PJs and into the mad character in Gillyrella but once she was awake she was brilliant.
We had completely forgotten that this was Hydee’s first experience of being covered in anything other than shaving foam – and during the film she gets deluged in several buckets of bright coloured sponge mix. How did she find it?

She loved it!
“I loved the cake mix!” she enthused. “It tastes lovely. Much nicer than shaving foam!”
Well, now we know, Hydee, there’ll be plenty more to come! If you can keep awake long enough!

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weekend. Of course you have to be a member of the Silly House to see it but we reckon it’s worth the 12 quid a month for this alone – especially as later in the film Julie sploshes her naked juicy jugs as well!
By the way, the fabulous satin outfit was chosen by YOU the readers of Hayley\s Horny Forum where it narrowly beat a black basque. Who says we’re not interactive?
There will be bucket loads of FREE stills from the film on the Forum shortly, so check them out. She really is an amazing lady and can take loads of pies, not to mention bucket after bucket of slosh – oh, and Charlie’s alright too.

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