The first six movies – over two hours of downloadable film – are available right now along with a unique chance to download a PDF version of the very first SPLOSH! magazine from 1989. All at prices between $5 and S7 (about £3-4). Bargain! On hits.sploshdownloads.com you’ll also find hundreds of pictures from the films plus a brief history of how and when each came to be made and even Director’s Tips of quirky things to look for (or try and avoid!).
So if you are new to sploshing and want to catch up on everything you’ve missed in a format you understand – or you just want to relive the days when girls had bushy hair and a hairy bush then this is the ideal place to go.
So please go and take a look…

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1. Compiling our Greatest Hits
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Amongst the items on offer when we open will DEFINITELY be
a chance to download the very first Splosh! magazine in PDF,
Louise and Sammy-Jane’s famous food fight from Pretty Clumsy Woman (my directorial debut!),
The Making of Flanderella and a Messy Business with Louise, Luna, Sammy and Gilly,
And the best bits of Juicy Pairs.

It’s those I have been doing this week and what fun it’s been! I have many happy memories of Karen Partington and Amanda Hughes (above) doing Story Corner. The girls were exactly as they sound – Karen a scatterbrained blonde, Amanda posh and refined but also deeply sexual. They made the perfect pair (and that’s just Karen). Some wonderfully awful puns in it as well!

Then there’s the food-flinging french maids in Simply a Mess (starring Emma & Mud Donna above and below), my first ‘complete’ song! I had written short song parodies for WSM before (like Nobody Does It Wetter in WSM’ll Fix It’s James Bond piss-take), but this provided a chance to do the whole thing. Quite what the female session singer made of belting out lyrics like
“Put jam in my jugs and pour cream on my buns.
Fill my knickers with treacle and watch where it runs…”

I will never know. But amazingly the song stands the test of time, although the film of Emma and Mud Donna is spoiled slightly by Shaun (who edited it) playing with his new mixer a bit too much!

But it is hard to fault, even now, Jo Bache and Emma’s final party scene in Juicy Pairs, though Emma (above and below) seems to disagree!

Two great-lloking girls who obviously got on well having a fabulous time. It was shot the same day as all the linking material (where I spent several hours under a desk being glove puppet Randy the Rodent) which was a tricky shoot but as soon the mess came out , the girls were in their element.

And to prove it, a bit later we will also be putting up what happened after this sketch finished, when they carried on playing and cuddling regardless!

Going through the old videos shows there is loads and loads of excellent fun and funny material to bring you and we will be updating the Greatest Hits store for a long time to come. We can’t wait for it to open. I hope you feel the same.

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1. Splosh! Greatest Hits DL Store NOW OPEN

Tim was a perfectionist – he knew exactly what he wanted and he wanted it right then – which made him difficult to work with, I’m told, but he was always very affable with me. Sadly after his marriage collapsed, he got very depressed and took to his old friend the red wine with the result his liver packed up so spectacularly it killed him. A couple of weeks prior to that he had rung me for a chat and he was obviously in a very depressed state. I tried to help but obviously I was unsuccessful.
However, I am pleased to say that one part of the old Tim I remember has survived after his death. His sense of humour. Apparently in his will, he asked to be cremated and his ashes to be “scattered over his ex-mother-in-law’s living room carpet”. Good one, mate.
Thanks for all your help and advice, Tim. RIP

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Unfortunately, when she got there the magazine moguls turned up with two bars of Cadbury’s to melt down and nothing more.
“It was a bit disappointing,” Hydee told us. “We were expecting to share a big bathtub of the stuff and completely submerge in it. Instead we had to smear it over each other like sticky kids.”
Nonetheless, Hydee was happy to share her love of getting messy and some stories of work at the Silly House with Love It’s readers who seemed eager to respond. The very next week a housewife wrote in saying how much the idea of rolling in chocolate turned her on. Well, love, you know where to come.
Meanwhile, if Hydee was disappointed with her chocolate coverage at Love It, we were happy to make amends. In Part Two of Snooker Gloopy, the latest film at www.gillysillyhouse.com, snooker player “Hurricane Hydee” gets smothered in gallons of her favourite (and a great deal more) as she attempts to “sink the brown” with co-star (and opponent) Gilly.

“That was much more like it!” she told us afterwards.

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Katie is not just a sweet , great-looking girl – as this cleaner picture of her shows…

….she just loves getting messy and is a fantastically good sport. As well as appearing with Gilly on Graham Norton, she has been stuck in the stocks, pelted with pies, covered in chocolate, spanked – and this week pelted with even more pies, custard, baked beans and (next week) deluged with five different flavours of thick cake mix gunge! A real trooper! So if anyone deserves to get the £30,000 prize it’s her – not some airhead model who’ll blow it all on one designer handbag.

So vote for her now.
Simply go to www.fhm.com/honeys/katiegreen and vote for her there or you can text your vote by sending Honey Katie (with a space between the two) to 86145. Texts cost just 15p each plus your standard network rate (scarcely an Ant & Dec-style rip off).
So how did a pretty, splosh-loving girl get to be noticed by FHM? Well, it might just be her interview technique. Applying for the Hot Honey contest she was granted an interview after being asked on her application form to describe herself in three words. Naturally, she ignored ‘bubbly’, ‘beautiful’, ‘caring’, ‘loyal’ etc and went for ‘slim, sexy and psychotic’! And got in. Then at the interview itself when they tried to catch her out with one of those silly questions – in this case “How would you dispose of a dead body?” – instead of clamming up, she smiled sweetly and said, “First I’d chop it up then feed it to the pigs. Then I’d kill the pigs and make you eat the the evidence through the medium of bacon buttiess!” Not your average model’s reply.

We love her – and you will too in the next two weeks updates at www.gillysillyhouse.com – so get voting. Otherwise, remember, she knows how to dispose of your remains!

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I was only just allowed in as I was a freelance and not a member of staff (like a lot of millionaires, PR was not prone to splashing out unwanted cash – and even his staff parties were held in venues he owned, like the Windmill).
Our initial meeting wasn’t great. He has just bought Mayfair from Ken Bound for which I had worked for some years and asked me what I had done for them. Proudly I pointed to the Christmas issue which had several serious features I’d done including one about the history of slot machines.
“Yes, I remember that!” he said after my third attempt to overcome his notorious deafness. I beamed proudly. “Well, we won’t be having any of that sort of stuff from now on!”
And he was true to his word.
Paul was a firm believer in the ‘amuse and amaze on every page’ maxim of Kelvin McKenzie only he applied it to tits. There had to be tits on every spread of the magazine otherwise it would be rejected. All those old school features so beloved of the 70s and 80s Mayfair were out. Car features were just about okay so long as they shared the space with some curvier female bodywork, and in the end even they went. I admitted defeat.
Back at the party, after such an inauspicious start, and fortified by the limited stocks of free booze, I tried again. I knew that PR had, many years previously, been a magician and mindreader touring the country with a female partner. So I asked him if he had ever played the Windmill – on the famous stage of which we were now standing.
“Oh God no!” he spluttered. “We were never good enough.” I was about to compliment him on his modesty when he added. “Fucking good thing too. If I’d been half good, I’d still be doing it. Instead I bought the theatre!”
And so, realising he was a rubbish conjuror, he gave up and invested in theatres and became an impressario – first at the Whitehall (where shows included a nude Fiona Richmond swimming in a fish tank) and then the Revue Bar. Then when the money came in, he bought all the buildings in between and became EXTREMELY rich.
Mind you, as I said, that never showed in his lavishness. In the late 80s I got taken to the Revue Bar which still had the flock wallpaper decor from the 70s and frankly looked rather like a living museum of smut. Going for a piss, I was surprised to see that all the men’s urinals were different shapes and sizes and some different colours. Knowing the man who helped run the place, I asked him whether this was some kind of nuance of design.
“Oh no,” he replied. “It’s just Mr Raymond insists if any of the toilets get broken we have to replace them with one from another of his properties. He won’t buy new ones. So they don’t match!”
Likewise his anti-drug measures also lacked a certain class. Shortly after a well known chat show host (who I won’t name cos he has been very nice about Splosh!) was spotted snorting cocaine in one of the cubicles making him run out so quickly he left his gear behind (ta very much!), PR insisted that this must be stopped. Did he employ staff or install coloured lighting? No. He just took the lids off the cisterns and the bowls so you could no longer snort off them.
But PR was a wonderful eccentric. He kept his long dyed orange hair well into his 70s and combed it over so absurdly his head looked like a pedal bin with a fluffy cover.He had a stammer and a hearing aid but he was immaculately dressed at all times, with a chauffeur and a Rolls and a presence that everyone in Soho admired – even if his rents were notoriously high (he famously bankrupted the new owners of the Revue Bar by increasing their rent so much they could no longer afford to run it!). He was in short a real 60s-style rogue who got away with it – to the tune, it’s claimed, of £670 million. Yet, by the end, robbed of his beloved daughter Debbie – the only family member interested in his empire (she died of a drugs overdose which many claim was deliberate as she was also ill – and enough of a regular drinker and drugtaker to know how far to go) – he became a recluse and let his business be run by the accountants and lawyers whilst he stayed in his flat lonely to the end.
I can’t claim I know anything about exactly how large his estate will be (though it will be keenly fought over) but I do know that his empre was so large he was prone to losing track of it. Charles, his chauffeur when I was there, told me a nice story about one night out he’d had. Waking up, a bit groggy, PR checked his bank statement and noticed that it was down to the tune of several hundred thousand pounds. Immediately, he rang Charles.
“Last night, was I robbed?” he stammered.
“No, sir.”
“Did we go to the casino?”
“No, sir.”
“Well, why have I lost half a million quid?”
Charles sighed.
“You remember, sir, that we were going to your favourite restaurant…”
“Yes…”
“And when we got there, the NCP car park next door was full so we couldn’t park nearby?”
“Yes, so what?”
“Well, you bought it!”
Paul Raymond, a true Soho character, will be much missed by many and not nearly appreciated enough by far more,

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1974-1977: At college in Birmingham doing a degree in what would now be called Media Studies. Wanted to be a proper broadcaster! Was said to be good at radio and even TV presenting – despite looking rubbish. Still a reasonable talker as the poor bastards who have had to interview know only too well!
1978: Fuck all. Was on the dole in Aston, Handsworth and Harborne waiting for big offer from the BBC (was applying for loads of jobs there). Not a bloody sausage.
1979: Started freelancing for local magazines including a day spent as a professional clown at Wolverhampton Fiesta (as dull as it sounds) with Ben Lester – a wonderfully cynical ex-circus man. Started local news and features magazine for Henley-in-Arden called Henley Digest with a crook called Eric Beaman who ran off with all the money. Wrote reviews for local Whats On magazines. Did voice-over work for BRMB and Beacon Radio. Lived on packet soup.
1981 – 1990: Got job at last! Chief Sub Editor at Mayfair magazine (I applied for that and Feature Writer for HiFi News – convinced I had no hope at Mayfair and was a shoe-in on the latter. How different things might have been!). Moved to London. Three months later they tried to sack me cos I was a rubbish sub. However I was by far their best writer so they kept me on doing that. After many years, rose to giddy heights of Assistant Editor. Had to run the magazine cos the Editor was always out on the piss. There are numerous stories of in-jokes and gags we used to put in the mag at that time, but they may have to wait until the ex-Editor dies!
1984: Started freelancing for other magazines and television. Wrote for loads of magazines and most of the soft porn titles under numerous different names. Had regular monthly features in Penthouse and Club whilst still member of staff for Mayfair. Also wrote humour for Fiesta etc. Produced one-shot magazines for Dennis Publishing on Page Three girls which became a monthly magazine called Daily Girls. These featured photo stories not unlike the ones in Splosh! though without the mess. Also wrote for respectable magazine like Saga – I was their Nostalgia Expert at 28! Wrote sketches for TV (including the Two Ronnies stuff) and material for radio presenters, local and national. Wrote a show for and appeared in pub cabaret which played in unsuitable pubs and clubs in London before ‘alternative comedy’ kicked off. Did bad David Bellamy impressions amongst other things. Compiled Lie Back & Think of Britain rubbish joke book available in Ann Summers even now. Never went out. Just worked. Had no life at all, but some money at last…
1989: Started Splosh! when Daily Girls was axed (Dennis made more money out of zines about Kylie) but saw it had a small but loyal readership who liked it sexy but not porno. Thought something funny like that would be fun to do and had the money to give it a go. Interviewed guys at Viz who told me how they started. Nicked their ideas. Had seen Wet Shots stuff and liked it, thought this could be the perfect subject – sexy, funny and an excuse to take the piss out of porn and fetish whilst still being sexy and kinky (Viz style). Was helped by a big haired blonde advertising assistant called Hayley who was leaving Mayfair to have a baby.
1990: Left Mayfair and went full-time freelance. Did shifts for Mayfair and Paul Raymond where initially I was drafted in to write the funny front pages for Club International (I had been writing Nathaniel Fatbastard – a restaurant review piss-take and other characters for years). The staff then realised I had all the fun whist they did the dull stuff, so I got given the dull stuff instead (writing girl copy and so on). Started working for Razzle where I wrote most of the copy, came up with ideas for romps and photo sets and ‘played’ such erudite columnists as Bendy Wendy, Cock-Thirsty Kirsty and Dr Deforest Hill (the struck off sex therapist). Still writing for other mags as well including much more pompous funnies for Mayfair!
1991 Mayfair sold to Paul Raymond! Initially I was going to run it but they didn’t like my ideas as they were too “old Mayfair” (they wanted to sex it up). So I carried on doing Razzle and so on cos nobody else liked it (no kudos in writing messy filth, they reckoned! Oh no?).
Produced my first WAM video, Pretty Clumsy Woman (though I had written sketches and linking material for WSM before that – even appearing occasionally). Wanted mine to be cheap and fun rather than 40 quid like the other titles were at the time. Thought it would sell about 200 copies. Went on to produce the other early Buff titles in a similar form. They later made into High St shops like HMV and sold very well for specialist titles.
1992: Moved to St Leonards cos we needed more space. Hayley now a bit more than a colleague! Promptly fell ill and wound up in hospital with blood poisoning after a stomach abscess leaked and nearly killed me. Still working too hard but slowly coming to my senses…
1996: Sacked by Paul Raymond! They made some excuse as to why but really it was cos I was too expensive and they wanted everything cheap now, and not worried about funny any more. So fuck them! Watched all of Euro 96 then devoted most of my time to Splosh! and slowly became less stressed and had more fun.
1996 – Present: Still write for other magazines occasionally. Do bits for radio (including writing a DAILY topical three minute funny for Radio 2) for 18 months. Package items for telly – mainly about Splosh!. Get interviewed about Splosh! occasionally. Went through phase when we were on satellite TV every couple of weeks! (another looonnng story). Took over Gilly’s Silly House in 2003 when original owner ran out of ideas and quit. Been shooting something for them every week since. Hayley (kids now grown up) went back to work and inherited a house from her parents so lived there. We decided to see each other “only when it was fun” rather than have a full time relationship which sort of works. Splosh! forum set up in March 2006 and been quite successful as a fun place to chat with likeminded sploshers. It is the first stage of turning the website into something with the same fun atmosphere as the magazine with downloads and DVDs instead of photo-features.
Still working a lot, thanks largely to GSH, and desperate for more time to spend on Splosh! Now have no money!

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The item which featured Gilly and the gang covering each other in custard, cake sitting and filling each other’s knickers ran on and off throughout the original show and proved so popular, an edited version made it onto the Best of Graham Norton compilation shown last week (hence the listing on iPlayer).
Other guests on our show included rock singer Alice Cooper, a bit of an icon for me in my teenage days, and I am delghted to say I now have his autograph. He seemed somewhat more amused by sploshing than Ms Toksvig.
And although he may not remember it, this is not the first time Graham Norton has encountered our magazine. Many years ago before he was a Five Million Pound Celebrity, he hosted a late night show on ITV called Carnal Knowledge where couples were quizzed on what they knew abut sex. One round featured was a sort of “What’s My Line” with a mystery guest miming his occupation and the couples having to guess what they did for a living. Well, one week it was me! I duly mimed making up custard pies and let them try and guess my bizarre job but nobody got close. I was then allowed to plug the magazine weith Graham for three minutes during which time he moaned about the cover price but held the magazine up to the camera so I didn’t complain.
Less enjoyable was the run up to the show. As I was a ‘mystery guest’, I wasn’t allowed to join all the others in ‘hospitality’. Instead I was locked in a small room the size of a cupboard and given a crate of Becks to work my way through! Since the show ran rather late, the Becks ran out before I did, but I was certainly ‘chatty’. In fact I remember them telling me off for not giving yes and no answers to the cntestant’ questions but full sentences – and more!
Carnal Knowledge still gets shown occasionally on Challenge TV and the like, and as well as launching Graham Norton ( a dubious merit), it also put me back in touch with an old school girlfriend who I hadn’t seen for 20 odd years. She saw the show and e-mailed me with the line, “Congratulations on the magazine – shame about the baldness. Do get in touch.” We have been ever since and not only has she had a messy session in the studio, but now has a framed copy of Splosh! No 35 in her bathroom!
You see, sploshers are everywhere…

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Following one or two requests on the the Forum, here is the complete article. Hope you like it. Apologies for the occasional bit of bad language but it’s what these magazines expect!
Top Ten Foods for Sploshing
by Bill Shipton of www.splosh.co.uk
the world’s leading messy sex site!
1) Custard: The first rule of seductive sploshing is “sweet not savoury”, and with its creamy consistency, custard is the ideal love lube. Ready-made Ambrosia (about £1.40 a litre) is the Top of the Slops, afterall you don’t want to be boiling milk with a hard-on…
2) Cream: The spray stuff is perfect for sensuous splosh-lite activity. Ideal decoration for nipples and nobs, just don’t turn your cock into an organic Everest and expect your partner to go down in one. She’s more likely to chuck than swallow. Anchor do a good one (know as Wanchor in the trade cos so many stag girls use it for hand jobs!)
3) Chocolate: Good in all its forms. Gooey newbies should stick to the syrup like Treat (99p in supermarkets) whilst chocoholics should opt for big bags of chocolate sponge mix (from Cash & Carries). Made with warm water, it’s liquid chocolate cake and about £7 a bucketful – more than enough to cover two!
4) Porridge: Most women like to start the day with something hot inside them – or, in this case, outside them. The grey gruel may not look sexy but well mixed, warm and lump-free, it has set many a non-Scot sighing. And it’s an excellent exfoliant! Novice sploshers might like to start with Reddy Brek – it’s smoother and saucepan-free.
5) Eggs: Get your guy hard in three minutes by sliding around in slippery raw egg. Just keep those shells away from your tender bits – they are sharper than shattered glass.
6) Jam/pie filling/peanut butter: I do love things that spread easily – like legs. Just pick a favourite flavour and butter your partner up like a butty. Beware of some blackcurrant ones. They contain blue food dye, so your next sticky moment could be waking up next to a Smurf.
7) Syrup/fruit sauce/treacle: The syrups in the supermarket (strawberry, raspberry, toffee etc) are excellent splosh starter packs. Move on to the maple or big tins of golden syrup next, then when you are really brave invest in a gallon drum of black treacle. It’s like liquid rubber completely enclosing the body in thick black stickiness. To misquote the Marks ad, this isn’t just food – it’s S&M food! Baked beans/spaghetti: Beloved by closet sploshers on charity days, beans are more funny than fruity, and most women can’t stand the smell. Understandable. Would you want to wake up whiffing like greasy spoon leftovers?
9) Rice pudding/semolina: Those whose memories of school meals go back before turkey twizzlers have a nostalgic fondness for a milky pud. Bizarrely, warmed up in the confines of her kecks (or yours), they feel a lot better than they taste.
10) Pies/cream cakes/gateaux: Whether for sitting in or flinging in the face, these are a splosh staple! Make your own missiles from sponge flan cases and custard (or Angel Delight) for a fuck-friendly food fight, or defrost a big Black Forest, strip off and slowly sit in it as a prelude to a long night licking and sucking. Now that’s what I call afters…
The runners up: When I asked the members of the Splosh! Forum at www.splosh.co.uk to nominate their favourites, they came up with 54 different ones in a day! Amongst the also rans were…vegetable soup, mushy peas, marshmallow fluff, fish paste, macaroni cheese, and mashed potato and gravy (combined). Yum!

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No problem there….especially as the double D-lightful Decadent Doll was down that week to throw the pies and pour the custard (though she did get quite a few herself).

Dressed in a very nice PVC dress (her own), we sat Emily in the now notorious inflatable chair and let her have it! Her first ever pie in the face was greeted with gales of laughter and even the chilly custard shampoo had her giggling like a schoolgirl.


Whilst her photographer Danny clicked away, a good old fashioned food fight broke out between Dolly and Emily – and all idea of directing them went out of the window. Emily got the ginger cake mix and the maple syrup whilst Dolly took more pies, but it was the custard that the Divine Miss M seemed to like the most.


At the end, of course DD and Emily were the best of messy friends and Dolly even let Emily use the shower first – which like a born splosher she did with her clothes on!

Then came the final surprise! Danny the photographer insisted on being pied as well – even though he had no spare clothes. Of course Emily and DD were happy to oblige, and we hope to have a pic of that when the feature comes out in a month or so. He went home with just his jacket over his bare chest….
By the end, Emily couldn’t stop smiling and admitted that it had been a great, fun experience. We look forward to seeing the feature and will tell you when it appears here and on the forum.

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