So that's the full menu Madam?

Bit of a miserable week for me as I was laid low with an attack of flu-bris – the hubris caused when you think you have defeated the flu and instead it comes back worse than ever. So, coughing, sneezing etc I have been stuck indoors for the last seven days except for a brief visit from Clown Julie’s comedy partner Charlie who told me all about their pie-flinging encounter with mature glamour puss, Miss Jones…

There’s only one thing disappointing about meeting Charlie. You really want him to arrive in a miniature car with every panel painted a different primary colour, which comes to a halt with a massive explosion blowing the doors off and making foam squirt out of the radiator. That’s what clown cars do. Sadly hire cars don’t and as Charlie is by day a serious scientist and he was en route from meetings in London to ’something he couldn’t talk about’ in Finland, that was what he was drivng.

After picking up one of Julie frocks and his clown shoes from the studio (as you can see from the picture above taken from their film in our downloads section you need a big car for those alone!), we popped down the pub where the ’serious scientist’ was far more impressed by the St Austell bitter that was on sale. We started to chat. Now Charlie isn’t the boastful sort, but even so conversations with him do tend to leave you feeling somewhat inferior. As if the casually-mentioned trip to Finland wasn’t impressive enough, Charlie had just returned from the Canadian Arctic where he’d been living in a tent eating such Inuit delicacies as seal eyes and raw liver (apparently they like it that way cos it’s warm and wet). I began to see why the beer was so impressive.
Entertainment was a bit short out in the Arctic as well. It was a choice between watching the Inuit TV station featuring an Eskimo Blue Peter that taught kids how to trap, skin and disembowel groundhogs or editing a film of Julie and Miss Jones getting messy on his laptop. Tough call – not!
For those who have yet to visit her website, Miss Jones is a mature model who specialises in what could best be described as 60s-style glamour (lots of stockings and sussies) who’d seen Julie at work and fancied taking part in a clown-style pie-throwing routine with her. Charlie had been asked to help shoot it and edit it in return for use of the messy bit of the film – which we hope might be coming to Splosh! Downloads in the future. Julie was doing it purely for the chance to have a pie fight with another woman!

In many ways, it went very well. Miss Jones proved a natural comedienne and literally couldn’t stop laughing all the time she was pieing Julie. She was also good at taking the pies as well, her facial expressions being exactly the comic style they both love. The only difficult bit was Charlie and Miss Jones’ photograher co-operating on the two camera shoot. Apparently this turned into a scene more like the Charlie character we know and love with them arguing over who was filming what, when to start and whether to stop. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear… It had more than an element of the Chuckle Brothers about it, especially as the cameras emitted a loud ‘bing-bong’ every time they started, all of which had to be removed in the edit. However, whilst the clowning around behind the cameras was a bit exasperating, the clowning around in front of them was extremely arousing. Fingers slipped everywhere as the two ladies got covered in creamy pie, and Julie was in messy heaven. Miss Jones seemed pretty happy too.

As I said, we hope we can bring you this film in the future, and of course more Julie adventures with Gilly, Sammy and Co when Charlie returns from whatever remote spot he is working in next. I did wonder (in light of the famous shoe bomber incident) what airport security would make of Charlie’s oversized red footwear. Perhaps he is already languishing in some jail being waterboarded by US soldiers. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…
PS Just thought of this…How can you tell an Iraqi clown? He has the only car that doesn’t blow up…

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Well for about four weeks nothing happened at all. We sent them an invoice and heard not a peep. Then two days ago we had an e-mail from the features department saying that they didn’t get the photo from our website at all! We assured them that it had only appeared (legally) on our site and UMD (where it had our copyright logo on it) and if they did find it somewhere else could they tell us so we can berate them?. No, they said they got it from an agency! A few enquiries later and we discover they are talking about a different photo!
“No, not the clean one, the baked beans one!” we protested.
A few hours later…
“Oh yes, that’s yours…”
Oh good, at last, an admission!
“So you’ll be paying our invoice?”
“No, that’s a news picture, not features. You need to invoice their department….blah-de-blah…”
So we start again.

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Sweet Sue is a regular weekend drinker in The Fountain (my regular pub for new readers) and is what can best be described as an ‘affectionate drunk’. Happily married to a man so calm and unemotional he makes Stephen Hawking look overly exuberant (and way too smiley), she likes to spend the evening drinking lager and then cuddling her friends, of which I am about fifth in line. Sometimes it goes slightly further but I’m not complaining – it’s not exactly a chore, although the small price for a bit of bodily contact is a lengthy diatribe about her week at work. Last week however I noticed she was coughing a lot and she admitted to feeling a bit odd. I made a mental note to try and resist any physical temptation as I had a busy week ahead. Unfortunately that note got lost in the wash of several pints of Old Empire, so as well as sharing all her stories from her working week by Tuesday I was sharing her symptoms.
At that point I did feel rough – hot, sore throat, cough, knackered – but nothing that couldn’t be put down to a cold. However I made the mistake of going on the NHS website which in turn sent me to the National Panic-Inducing one I mentioned earlier. “Do you have a temperature? Sore throat? Blocked nose? Cough?” it demanded. “Yes,” I replied unable to qualify it with “but not a very bad one”. “You have swine flu,” it proclaimed. “Stay at home. Get a friend to go to the doctors and pick up Tamiflu tablets. Your code number is…. Tell them to bring identification etc etc.” It was like something from those Protect & Survive nuclear attack broadcasts of the 60s. I was a casualty in the Slight Cold War!
By Thursday I didn’t feel any worse and besides Sammy was booked to do a private session at the studio so I went there, did that (see above) and since the studio is near the chemists I also decided to pick up my Tamiflu in person (I didn’t need them but as you only get one dose, I thought it best to have them ready for later in the winter when I might).
“I’ve come to pick up my Tamiflu,” I said to the middle-aged lady behind the counter.
“You shouldn’t be out!” she admonished severely and scurried away so quickly I genuinely thought she had gone into hiding, and was now cowering in some germ-resistant bunker. But it turned out she was getting a form to fill in which I did. By now, the other customers in the shop were looking at me like a plague victim, so I waited outside. As I did, I saw the assistant wiping the pen I’d used and her counter with a wet wipe! Blimey! Everything I touch is toxic!
A few minutes later my Tamiflu were brought out to me (they clearly didn’t want me back in their shop) and I took them home. I haven’t used them. I still feel a bit crap but if this IS swine flu it is milder than most colds and a lot less debilitating than a migraine. If it isn’t, then can I cast doubt on the official statistics that the number of swine flu victims has ‘leapt’ from 3,000 to 5,000 this week. I bet a lot of those are like me. Mild cold sufferers who have no way of differentiating between the two on their website.
And yes I have been a bit public spirited. I am keeping out of the pub when it is crowded which meant missing Sarah’s birthday bash last night (boo) and the Fetish Night (double boo – one for each boob!). But I shall go in for the quiz on Sunday when there are only about 20 people around. Even if I am passing on fatal swine flu, a cull of pub trivia geeks would, quite frankly, be a public service!

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Well, we have finally bitten the bullet and found a way round all this by teaming up with our friends at the WAM Store. All being well, the download pages will merge seamlessly into this website whilst at the same time taking advantage of their excellent facilities.
We had hoped to do it all ourselves but in the end credit card companies who wanted tax returns from our first born, no mentions of bondage or pee anywhere on the site and other Christian fundamentalist morality drove us into the arms of SoundGuy.
We are currently designing the site and I am teaching myself how to use it (a slow process for a man used to chucking pies rather than grappling with FTP) but we hope to have something up an running in the next couple of weeks. We really hope you will like it.

As well as poor Tracy here, there will be a lot of previously unseen films, exclusive new material from Clown Julie, DD, Candy Custard, and Sammy-Jane (to name a few), photo-stories from MessClub7 and a lot, lot more.
Let’s just hope it all works and we can brighten up this credit squeezed summer with some seriously over-the-top sploshing!

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1974-1977: At college in Birmingham doing a degree in what would now be called Media Studies. Wanted to be a proper broadcaster! Was said to be good at radio and even TV presenting – despite looking rubbish. Still a reasonable talker as the poor bastards who have had to interview know only too well!
1978: Fuck all. Was on the dole in Aston, Handsworth and Harborne waiting for big offer from the BBC (was applying for loads of jobs there). Not a bloody sausage.
1979: Started freelancing for local magazines including a day spent as a professional clown at Wolverhampton Fiesta (as dull as it sounds) with Ben Lester – a wonderfully cynical ex-circus man. Started local news and features magazine for Henley-in-Arden called Henley Digest with a crook called Eric Beaman who ran off with all the money. Wrote reviews for local Whats On magazines. Did voice-over work for BRMB and Beacon Radio. Lived on packet soup.
1981 – 1990: Got job at last! Chief Sub Editor at Mayfair magazine (I applied for that and Feature Writer for HiFi News – convinced I had no hope at Mayfair and was a shoe-in on the latter. How different things might have been!). Moved to London. Three months later they tried to sack me cos I was a rubbish sub. However I was by far their best writer so they kept me on doing that. After many years, rose to giddy heights of Assistant Editor. Had to run the magazine cos the Editor was always out on the piss. There are numerous stories of in-jokes and gags we used to put in the mag at that time, but they may have to wait until the ex-Editor dies!
1984: Started freelancing for other magazines and television. Wrote for loads of magazines and most of the soft porn titles under numerous different names. Had regular monthly features in Penthouse and Club whilst still member of staff for Mayfair. Also wrote humour for Fiesta etc. Produced one-shot magazines for Dennis Publishing on Page Three girls which became a monthly magazine called Daily Girls. These featured photo stories not unlike the ones in Splosh! though without the mess. Also wrote for respectable magazine like Saga – I was their Nostalgia Expert at 28! Wrote sketches for TV (including the Two Ronnies stuff) and material for radio presenters, local and national. Wrote a show for and appeared in pub cabaret which played in unsuitable pubs and clubs in London before ‘alternative comedy’ kicked off. Did bad David Bellamy impressions amongst other things. Compiled Lie Back & Think of Britain rubbish joke book available in Ann Summers even now. Never went out. Just worked. Had no life at all, but some money at last…
1989: Started Splosh! when Daily Girls was axed (Dennis made more money out of zines about Kylie) but saw it had a small but loyal readership who liked it sexy but not porno. Thought something funny like that would be fun to do and had the money to give it a go. Interviewed guys at Viz who told me how they started. Nicked their ideas. Had seen Wet Shots stuff and liked it, thought this could be the perfect subject – sexy, funny and an excuse to take the piss out of porn and fetish whilst still being sexy and kinky (Viz style). Was helped by a big haired blonde advertising assistant called Hayley who was leaving Mayfair to have a baby.
1990: Left Mayfair and went full-time freelance. Did shifts for Mayfair and Paul Raymond where initially I was drafted in to write the funny front pages for Club International (I had been writing Nathaniel Fatbastard – a restaurant review piss-take and other characters for years). The staff then realised I had all the fun whist they did the dull stuff, so I got given the dull stuff instead (writing girl copy and so on). Started working for Razzle where I wrote most of the copy, came up with ideas for romps and photo sets and ‘played’ such erudite columnists as Bendy Wendy, Cock-Thirsty Kirsty and Dr Deforest Hill (the struck off sex therapist). Still writing for other mags as well including much more pompous funnies for Mayfair!
1991 Mayfair sold to Paul Raymond! Initially I was going to run it but they didn’t like my ideas as they were too “old Mayfair” (they wanted to sex it up). So I carried on doing Razzle and so on cos nobody else liked it (no kudos in writing messy filth, they reckoned! Oh no?).
Produced my first WAM video, Pretty Clumsy Woman (though I had written sketches and linking material for WSM before that – even appearing occasionally). Wanted mine to be cheap and fun rather than 40 quid like the other titles were at the time. Thought it would sell about 200 copies. Went on to produce the other early Buff titles in a similar form. They later made into High St shops like HMV and sold very well for specialist titles.
1992: Moved to St Leonards cos we needed more space. Hayley now a bit more than a colleague! Promptly fell ill and wound up in hospital with blood poisoning after a stomach abscess leaked and nearly killed me. Still working too hard but slowly coming to my senses…
1996: Sacked by Paul Raymond! They made some excuse as to why but really it was cos I was too expensive and they wanted everything cheap now, and not worried about funny any more. So fuck them! Watched all of Euro 96 then devoted most of my time to Splosh! and slowly became less stressed and had more fun.
1996 – Present: Still write for other magazines occasionally. Do bits for radio (including writing a DAILY topical three minute funny for Radio 2) for 18 months. Package items for telly – mainly about Splosh!. Get interviewed about Splosh! occasionally. Went through phase when we were on satellite TV every couple of weeks! (another looonnng story). Took over Gilly’s Silly House in 2003 when original owner ran out of ideas and quit. Been shooting something for them every week since. Hayley (kids now grown up) went back to work and inherited a house from her parents so lived there. We decided to see each other “only when it was fun” rather than have a full time relationship which sort of works. Splosh! forum set up in March 2006 and been quite successful as a fun place to chat with likeminded sploshers. It is the first stage of turning the website into something with the same fun atmosphere as the magazine with downloads and DVDs instead of photo-features.
Still working a lot, thanks largely to GSH, and desperate for more time to spend on Splosh! Now have no money!

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